Self-loathing for being born this way

Tbh i'm not sure what i'm looking for. it feels like not much can be done. i embody this undesirable flesh prison and i want out, or at least another chance at a better meat suit, preferably with a bigger brain. this stupid monkey brain feels useless and worthless.

i spend my time obsessing over factors i cannot control and it's destroying my sense of self. my identity is at a constant fight with itself. i cannot let go because i take so much meaning in my pain. it's like i want to be in constant mental agony so that maybe i will be compensated with what i want, even though im aware it's not going to happen.

i'm disregarding this disorder. im denying the reality. i did not want it and want my own sense of control back, a perfectionistic idyllic way at looking at the world again, like i was back then before this disorder. i don't understand it, it seems way too ambiguous and my small brain can't comprehend it, therefore it doesn't exist.

i wish i could study 12 hours a day and forget the world exists. i'll still believe that i can and i will live in peace.