[M25][Part 1] Confused on what happened and take learnings

Hi all,

I [M25] started dating this girl[F23] in July this year. My biodata was floating around and she had recieved my number from there and reached out. We chated and met on the very next Sunday. Everything went good and met on next Sunday as well. We were not able to meet for next 1 month because I went home for couple of weeks and when I came back, she was out of town. We again met thrice on 2 consecutive weekends. After this, we even told our respective parents that we have met once and talking with each other(.i.e. evaluating each other for marriage prospect).

So that means everything for good for 2 months since we met. Even in between where we didn't meet for 1 month, we were always chatting up day and night. I had grown the like her very much. She is very strong and independent women and does solo travel. She takes a stand for what is important and what she believes in and is very stubborn about it. I kinda liked this about her. She was a big bookworm and had already read >300 books.

However after we met for the 5th time, she had some pressure from her family to take a decision early and let them know if she was okay with me or they should look for other suitable grooms who were reaching out. She messaged me suddenly that she can be very stubborn sometimes and won't be easy going. She won't hear whatever anyone has to say and would so whatever she wants. She will want me to take her side in front of my mother during such incidents sometimes. And that she liked travelling very much like a Nomad rather than like a tourist living in expensive hotels etc.

[Conflict 1] I was okay with everything and knew she was panicing due to pressure from family. However I still wanted to know what she meant when she said she can be stubborn. Honestly I was very clear that I will convince my mother of everything if I was aligned with whatever she wanted to do and I was very open minded person so she knew I wouldn't block her way and let her have the freedom she wants. But I wanted reassurance on what she meant by "being stubborn" and it it also meant doing things that hurt me or others. But she didn't clear up. She just kept on saying she didn't know what type of things. She even was rude in chat at times and was trying to end conversation by saying things like "I cannot specify it" or "it just happens". I told her that it was difficult for me to say "I am okay with everything" without knowing what everything can contain. I also gave her assurance that she can tell me if she had anything in mind as well. Even if it didn't work out, I would never utter a single word to another soul. I told her I was not asking for specifics but what type of things. But she kept on ending conversation by telling "I cannot specify it". When I again tried to push her to say, she kept on referring to the "I cannot specify it" and went cold.

After this long chat, I went into overthinking spiral. Because how could I make a decision if I didn't know what she meant. She was still so understanding and sweet and talked to me almost till 4 am that night to stop me from overthinking. We had good light hearted conversations about different things and went to sleep. The next day evening, I messaged her again to check how she was feeling and if this bad phase affected her. She then started telling me about somethings I was doing wrong. She told me that whenever walking on road, I didn't move her to the safer side of the road or didn't offer to drop her home when it was late at night when we met and it bothered her. I acknowledged that I was aware of the road gesture and even wanted to do that with her. But I was hesistant that if I do that, she might think I believe her to be weak and get offended as a strong independent women. Similarly I told that I was always insecure that if I offered to drop her home late night, she might think of me wanting to come to her bedroom for physical relations and hence I didn't offer it. I clearly admitted that I was overthinking at both the times and should have been more confident and also apologised. She accused me that I did not know little things that a Man does for their girls. This hurt me very hard and I was taken aback. However I always told her to message me once she reaches home. Checked on her if she reached. I used to do other things like bring flowers for her, remember small things what she had said earlier, Pulled chair at restaurants or opened doors like a gentleman does. Once I send her gifts and pepper spray just before she was going on solo trip. When coming back from home, brought gifts for her specifically what she would like based on her interests. But she never told me I was trying. She just kept saying I didn't know multiple things as a man. Even when it was hurting, I told her to that I will try harder and stop overthinking. However she will have to keep communication open. I told her that if she didn't want to communicate, just get mad at me. I will know something bothered her and figure out what I missed and make sure I correct it. But she just didn't admit that she will keep the communication open. This combined with her refusal to say what she can be stubborn about pushed me into stress.

Since she had 2 relationship before me and it was my first one, I told her that she had more idea about this things and this being my first one, I might be missing some things. Hence it was important to keep communication open. The scene from Sex education came to my mind where Eric breaks up with Adam saying that Eric is ready to explore more things while Adam is still learning. And hence Adam was holding Eric back. I thought that is what was happening between us. She might have been expecting even more efforts from me while I was oblivious to it due to my lack of relationship. And that was the very reason I wanted her to keep communication open.

But again she didn't agree and said that I should know such things. She thought I was comparing her to having more relationships and hence more experience. I got tired to be the only one wanting to try while she didn't even put effort to have a hard conversation. She refused to say what she can be stubborn about and also that she will keep communication open. So I assumed she wanted me to come to her end and accept everything instead of coming to the middle. So I told that we should end this saying it clearly that this won't work out if you don't keep the communication channel open. I will never be able to take care of you that way you want. I wanted to see if she opens up at least now with the fear of losing me. But she directly agreed.

Learnings from my side:

1. Learn your partner's love language - While I thought she was very happy with how things were going, she was still bothered by some little things that I missed. I think I could have done better here by just asking what was her love language and tried to learn it. This could have avoided the resentment she held for me.
2. Be more confident. Just ask instead of assuming - As a Man, I should have read the situation well and instead of being insecure, I could have been more confident and did the small things.
3. I shouldn't have told that she has more experience in relationship. While I was coming from the perspective that I might be slow and lacking in this things, I feel it was more triggering for her since one of her past relationship had ended badly and hence me thinking that she compared our's with it was bad from my side. However I told her the sex education scene reference later to communicate that I know she was not comparing and just me telling that I was slow in reading relationship stuff and that was affecting her. [A very important learning on being very careful and using the right words. If my intent does not match the words, it can be lead to big miscommunication and even harm someone.]

[Part 2] There was one more conflict after this when she messaged me again but since this is a already a big post, I will get feedback on this one and post the 2nd one afterwards.

[How I feel] It still torments (and hurts) me today that I missed small things and she was okay to let me go due to such reasons. I still blame myself that may be it was not about the small things but about me not taking care of her via those things. But then again I still checked on her everyday and asked about her day and send gifts and provided reassurance when required. I did other small things that came to me naturally and instincively. I remembered the books she had not read yet and gifted it to her. Asked about her family every now and then. Send her photos of sunsets whenever I saw one since she loved sunsets. I tried as much as I knew and relied on her to at least keep the communication open. We had even started talking about serios things like how she would like to retain her surname after marriage, how she would like to purchase joint house instead of moving into husband's house. I liked her very much for having such an mindset that did not went with the crowd but focused on what mattered and was important for her. I had even promised her to create a library for her multiple books in our home. Even she brought gifts from her trips. This proved to me that she was very invested. But then why she didn't put the effort into talking and clearing things?

[Ask] Want honest opinion from both Women perspective if missing such small things are such big decision making factors. And if having to keep communication open to your man for small things sounds like a red flag? Are there any other learnings I should take? Even today when I remember this things, I feel uneasy and blame myself as if I should have known better and it was all my fault. Deep inside, I know its not true but logic doesn't work sometimes and I go into overthinking. Be empathetic but I will accept criticism put down nicely

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**TL;DR;** :
Met a girl. Dated for 2 months. Everything was good and efforts from both side. Suddently the girl says she will be stubborn sometimes but does not clear about what and asks me to just accept it. And points out small things I have been missing as a man and doesn't agree to tell me if anything from me is bothering her.