I can’t believe my life

Hi everyone, I (F19) just wanted to share a really horrible thought/fear that i’ve been experiencing since i’ve started on my healing journey by acknowledging my childhood trauma and the person it makes me. While it’s been really beautiful finding that closeness with myself and deeper understanding of myself, there has been this horrible feeling of disbelief that this is my life, disbelief that these things i experienced actually happened and they will always, always, always be a part of me. I will never forget them, and i try sometimes i remind myself that im not there anymore, im safe now, its okay to move one—i just get angry, i feel so angry that so much of myself is made through my trauma, and maybe so much of myself is just who i had to become through survival, or through acknowledgment that i had to change. I fucking hate that i have to be the one to deal with this, i fucking hate it, sometimes i have to look in the mirror and tell myself im beautiful, tell myself that i will fall in love one day, that im worthy to remind myself its okay to not have anyone, its okay to not have these things when deep down i know its not okay, and its all ive ever wanted. i mourn the girl i could have been, if i didn’t go through what i went through. I think about my young self and feel so angry that i went through those things, i have so much rage about it. I feel sad that maybe the rest of my life will be a walking healing journey and while i know that is expected life isn’t perfect, most people have been traumatised, most people will experience trauma, it just feels like i can’t do this, i can’t even exist like a normal person i just wish sometimes that this wasn’t my life. I really didn’t deserve this life. And even as im trying to heal, im cringing typing this thinking of all of the negative things im giving light and so much energy to because im getting emotional typing all this, but i know negative emotions aren’t inherently bad they’re just emotions we feel which don’t feel great but i just hate it, and parts of me even think my healing journey is pushing me into spiritual psychosis because maybe im trying to just make sense of all that i feel. But sometimes i can’t, and i guess sometimes i wish i didn’t. Trauma ruined my life in so many ways, i hate that so many people will never get that, i hate that there’s nothing i can do to go back in time and change things, i hate that my anger doesn’t do ANYTHING, i hate that me typing this means NOTHING, i just want to feel normal, but fuck i don’t even know what normality is anymore. But that was my horrible fear, is my entire life just going to be me having to remind myself to not give into my negative habits, trying to not pinch or scratch or force myself to bleed everytime i feel overwhelmed, trying to not scream and smash up the place when i feel dysregulsted. Yes i’m trying, yes i’ve been okay, but i don’t want to try for the rest of my life i just want to feel like a person, how a person should, if that even is an established state. Sorry for any spelling errors if you made it this far