Did I like him right away and didn’t realise or not?

I feel bad about the way my relationship with my bf started. He was the first one to message me, and soon after that we met in person. We lived in the same building. Our first meeting was very fun. I was 21 years old and before that I had never even kissed anyone, so I had no experience at all. After that, we saw each other once more that week, and I remember texting my friends that I had a nice time again. I didn’t think too much about everything, and then I went home for two weeks (I was living in the city where I was studying).

During that time, I started texting with a guy from my university, and through messages I found it more interesting. During those two weeks, I actually liked that guy from university more than my current boyfriend. I was texting both of them. When I returned to the city where I was studying, my current boyfriend briefly came to see me. I remember thinking at that moment that I liked him, but the next day I was supposed to go for coffee with the guy I had been texting.

That coffee didn’t go well. The moment I saw him approaching me in person, I knew I didn’t like him. He was shorter — or rather, he was the same height as me, 165 cm — which I didn’t find attractive. When I returned to my apartment, I immediately called my current boyfriend and we spent time together. That same day, I cut off contact with the other guy. And already the next day, when I saw my current boyfriend again, I was sure that I officially liked him.

Should I feel guilty for going for that coffee? It’s really haunting me now. I keep thinking about it all the time and it affects me. I feel like I can’t live in the present. I feel as if that part of the story will haunt me forever.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I keep ruminating about this and some other stuff for a year and a half now. It keeps coming back in phases. I realised when it’s not this then it’s something else but I forget about the first thing. And then that thing seems like worst. And I keep getting into details or what other people think or know about me, or some situations with other people.