Should I (28M) message my ex (25F) one year after NC?

Should I message my ex one year after breakup?

Background

We were together for close to 7 years and were best mates. Coming from a difficult background meant I had to work and study a lot throughout most, if not all, of the relationship. I spent a few years studying 9–5 and working 6pm–4am (same day), so not only did we not see each other much, I was also exhausted and run down after years of doing this. Once I graduated, I got a professional job but had to continue studying for exams relevant to the job, so again I would be working 9am–5pm, then studying from 6/7pm until bed. These exams were even harder than uni, so even when I wasn’t stressed or exhausted, if I was with her I would be thinking about them.

I’ve mentioned the above for context because I think it’s important to understanding what led to the end of the relationship.

 

Issues with the relationship

As said before, we were close and when we were together we would always be laughing. The underlying issue she had with the relationship was the lack of a social circle between the two of us. This was mainly due to me, as I pretty much had one friend throughout the relationship because of extremely limited free time, and this wasn’t something I could realistically address.

Another issue she had was that I wasn’t myself around her family and I wasn’t all that close to her brother (who is the same age as me), whereas she is. During the times I wasn’t exhausted, she would see the person she fell in love with, but regardless of how I felt around her family, I was always reserved and didn’t contribute much to bonding. This could be due to my upbringing, where I didn’t have any family and wasn’t close to anyone, or my fear of saying something offensive and being outcast. (Worth noting: I like messing around and joking a lot, which includes dark humor.)

Besides these two issues, when we broke up she didn’t even know what else was wrong and asked why we were breaking up. Neither of us could pinpoint the issue, but the two issues above were our best guess as to what was “off” in the relationship.

 

My issues were related to intimacy and feeling like she sometimes didn’t care. Throughout the relationship, we would go 1, 2, or 3 months without having sex, which, for lack of a better word, pissed me off. Strangely, whenever we did have sex, it was followed by a week or two of frequent intimacy, which we both seemed to enjoy and which brought us closer. I assume the lack of sex was because she didn’t feel as close as needed for intimacy to happen when I wanted it, and when we were close, it would happen.

Side note: she’s not the type who would sleep around while single, so I’m fairly certain she needed to feel extremely comfortable and close to do it. I chalked this up to the fact that we didn’t see each other as much due to my studying and working. My other issue stems from me never asking anything of her, but at the same time, her not going above and beyond to help me when necessary. (I’m fairly stubborn, so I would never ask for help maybe this is partially my fault*.)*

(Side note: throughout the relationship, we probably saw each other on average twice a week, which also didn’t help intimacy.)

 

The breakup

After one day of her refusing to cuddle, I sent her a text asking if she wanted to break up. This led to her coming over the next day, and after plenty of tears from both of us and confusion  as we both didn’t want to break up we decided to end things. Something was off, and we couldn’t pinpoint what it was, so we felt this was the only option.

Two months post breakup, she messaged me sporadically to check on my latest exam and to wish me a happy Christmas. This led to us meeting again and having a discussion about why we broke up  she led the conversation and talked about whether we had done the right thing. As I still didn’t have a solution and had two exams left, which would take six months, I proposed that we change the breakup to a six month break so I could focus on exams and address personal issues from my childhood, which I believe prevented me from being the extrovert I am and making friends. She agreed, and we had an amazing few days until NYE, which was the last time we saw each other before this supposed six month break.

A month and a half later, I sent her a box for Valentine’s Day filled with personal items and a card showing I still cared and was working on addressing the problems. This led to a text from her asking to see me and, in person, explaining that she couldn’t do it she couldn’t wait six months as the uncertainty and lack of control were killing her. Again, after many tears, we broke up for good, and this was the last time I saw her (about 10 months ago).

We text for a week or two post breakup, which led to her still wanting us to sleep together funnily enough but also saying we were both single now, so there was no commitment. I could see this would get messy, so I decided I couldn’t do that and blocked her, sending a nice message thanking her for everything. (The block was due to me having one of my big exams in two weeks and being unable to focus.)

After the exam, I quietly unblocked her and jumped on Tinder out of boredom. Unfortunately, her cousin saw me on Tinder, and my ex messaged me a snarky remark about the preset option I picked (short-term fun). This led to a little argument, and we stopped speaking.

The last time we spoke was three months after that, on what would have been our anniversary. I initiated the conversation, and we spoke for a week, flirting and getting close again. I may have made a stupid joke (I can’t remember), but this quickly shifted how she acted. She went cold all of a sudden and told me to move on, saying it was nice “catching up.” That remark irked me a little, as I felt it was patronising and I wasn’t sure if she was speaking to someone else, so I sent a message telling her she could go. This is the last contact we had, which is now seven months ago.

 

Current dilemma

I can’t stop thinking about this girl. My exams are done, and now that I have free time, no matter how I occupy myself, I wake up and go to sleep thinking of her. Even though I feel a lot happier now due to less stress, more energy, and improvements in my life, she’s still always in my head.

I have only been with one person since her, and this was a colleague one month after our final breakup, when I was blackout drunk. Although I can speak to other girls, I don’t care to pursue them, even just for casual sex. I’m unsure what to do. I feel mildly broken. We are both extremely stubborn people, and I’m big on pride, so I haven’t messaged her since. I feel like the breakup was on her side, and I know  without being arrogant  that I am a high achiever, especially considering my background.

What do I do? I’m not obsessive, but this was a relationship we both thought would lead to us moving abroad together and having kids. She has something no other girl has, and I don’t want to live with regrets. At the same time, I’m not the type to damage my pride or grovel. I’ve checked her Instagram (not following anymore) and I can see she hasn’t posted in a year she still has her alt account with all our pictures on. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I know I’ll never feel for another girl what I did for her. When we met, I was basically homeless with nothing, and she was way better off. I always had the dream of working my ass off to repay that loyalty, but it may have led to losing her.

I can’t think clearly without an unbiased perspective, so I need opinions from people who aren’t emotionally involved and can give logical guidance. At the end of the day, I want her to be happy, but I hate constantly thinking “what if” that’s all I’ve done this year, and I don’t want to live with that for a lifetime or try to find her in other girls.

Sorry for the long post, but this is probably the most important decision I need to make. I know that if I am to move on, I need to commit to it, but I still don’t think I’m capable of letting go yet. It didn’t feel like there were any issues with incompatibility between our personalities; I was just in grind mode looking at a longer term view, while I think she just wanted the connection we used to have.

 

Should I message her?