I meant every word

Everytime I told you how amazing I thought you were, or how much peace you brought me, I meant it. Every.

Single.

Word.

All those times you caught me staring only to have me get pink in the cheeks and hide a smile or even occasionally lock eyes with you in a hunger frenzie, that wasn’t intentional. I never stared at you so that you could catch me. I stared at you because you were everything to me.

Anytime you express the desire to to vote more time to the things that you loved or brought forth an idea that you had, do you remember how I always encouraged you? I never argued about the time it might take away from us or felt anything other than joy because it brought you joy. I always wanted to build you up.

I wanted somehow to convince you to see yourself the way I saw you. I meant it all.

In the end, even though that one thing I caught you doing hurt like hell it was all of the little things that you might not even realize you had said or the way that you acted the added up to hurt me so bad. It wasn’t the thing that you did it was that you did it, knowing how hurt I was. How broke I felt already after all those little things pointing out every scar replacing all of those shared stairs with cold silence in pouring all of your attention into your phone.

I kept reaching out, and you kept meeting me with silence and irritation. I know I’m not perfect. And I know I screwed up in a lot of big ways. The fact of the matter is, I was very emotional immature and I didn’t know how to respond to anything in a healthy way at that time.

Also hope you know that there were so many things said that I didn’t mean because I was hurt. I was beyond hurt. The pain is only grown to the point of something I’ve never felt before. But I’m smart enough now to not wanna weapon it or throw it in any One Direction. I even fantasize the idea of doing what you did finding someone to step into your place so that I could distract me from it.

But that wouldn’t be fair to them or myself, and it certainly wouldn’t do justice to every ounce of love that I felt with you or the adoration that I held for you.

I wish I could pull every good memory that we had out of my head.

Cause I think for me, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in the world was being head over heels and love with someone and having them hurt me and not being able to run to them for comfort.

I’ve always loved you no matter how bad it hurt or how shitty the things that I said. Just because I loved you so much that it hurt so bad.