What should i do ?

Hi people. I hope everyone's being doing okay

For context : I (24F) have an issue with self regulation. I get emotional (the wrong way), start pointing fingers when i feel threatened or hurt, don't give the benefit of the doubt easily, I accuse and assume someone's label, I overthink and are anxious, i shout when triggered, and overall just disrespectful. i think the person is against me and tolerate less things than i should.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 11 months now. During this relationship, i realized how many flaws i have to fix. This issue of bad reactions has been going for months with him. He started tolerating it less and less as the time passed. He almost gave up on me a lot of times because of it. And one of his boundaries, top 1 as he would quote, is respect. And from my pov, in the moment i dont really see myself disrespecting, i just focus on my feelings and let them lead my words or tone. Which i am aware is very bad.

For context again, even though it doesnt justify it, but it does explain it. I have had more traumatic experiences with my ex and dad that i could count. Even my mom. I was cheated on, neglected, taken for granted, manipulated by everyone i had love for, beaten by my ex and dad, i had a bipolar ex and dad, both. And one of my other exes set up a fake plan with his female best friend to make me look like i cheated. I was always supressing my emotions for their well being, and to not "provoke" them for my mental and physical safety. I was always the one giving my everything. I sadly didnt have the opportunity to go to therapy, cause this needs thorough healing.

This led to me, throughout the years, starting to lash out, get irritated easily and lose patience. I was never like this. Seeing myself like this, hurting the person I love and making him feel disrespected really makes it worse. For my defense i did get better on a lot of things. A lot of normal things a person emotionally stable would not even notice it had changed. And im still pushing myself to do better.

Sadly these past days, me and my boyfriend were on the verge of breaking up. He didnt defend me when his aunt insulted me and said i was a whore and some other bad stuff. He didnt apologise fully and later admitted that he needed time to process before taking accountability. I personally pointed fingers at him, in a mothering way that i didnt notice at the time, and he felt under pressured. He starting acting cold to me cause i wasnt the nicest to him back. But i did my best knowing i was seeing him very badly. For a reason this time. He claimed he didnt feel respected and couldnt act nice to me either. Whereas thats exactly where i stood. He didnt defend me and looked like he didnt care, i had nothing to give. Not even a correct way of talking.

Fast forward to when we decided to take a 2 days break. We promised each other to start acting nice and respectful to each other no matter how had we're feeling. He broke the no contact rule and sent me a i miss you message. We later talked on the phone cause i was doubting him a lot, that he was cheating. I had lost a lot of trust and love in him when he didnt stand up for me. So he called and we talked, i was talking in a very cold and serious tone. He said if youre gonna talk like this id ready go sleep goodbye, i felt hurt again. I said "very audacious" and I let him know why, and he mocked me. I hung up on him. He texted saying he doesnt wanna talk to me. Next day we talked and he said he lost hope in me when i broke the promise of talking nicely after 2 days.

While talking, he admitted he doesnt see me as a potential wife anymore because of my reactions. This is what led him to not defend me next to his aunt, among other reasons. I asked if he would choose his family over me he said yes. Because i havent been good to him. I understand, but i also dont. When you fully choose someone and you choose to stay, you actually choose that person with your whole heart. When you stop respecting them and cant even stand up for them, because of something they are fixing with themselves, i feel like love has vanished for good

We both were hurting during these days and needed each other’s support, but no one was able to give it. It led to a lot of fights, shouting, disrespect on both sides, and uncleared misunderstandings.

I am willing to work on everything, but i also feel like im too pressured. Its like i have to force things, force myself to be better even though I know this will burn me out with time. And i will just end up checking out and leaving. I wonder if staying is worth it. He has lost hope in me and so did i

Is it better to stay in this relationship or leave and work and grow alone