Now my grandpas gone and im going to uni soon, im grieving a childhood I wish I had

For my entire childhood (now 18f) i cant remember doing anything with my parents activity wise. They made me watch some movies with them that they liked once every 2 months. They played some board games with me like once a year and i went swimming for a while before dropping out cause i was scared.

Now what i hate here is that this was all because of me, the good and bad. Getting into ballet at like age 5-7= my idea Leavibg ballet because i got scared of performing=my idea Getting and leaving guitar lessons age 9= my idea Playing board games= everytime my idea, i would always ask and ALWAYS THE SAME RESPONSE 'Im too tired' or 'maybe later'. Wanting to go the park= my idea and guess what. Never went. If we did it was like 10 minutes then right back home because it was 'cold'. Watch a tv show= my idea... oh right cant forget when i was a young age and wanted to watch spongebob and never did because my parents said "no" or "its too loud turn it off"

Now this also pissing me off because i never had a surprise growing up, or a party. I didnt celebrate my birthday or christmas or any holiday u can think of. Now i think celebratibg this stuff isnt all that great but back was i was a kid. Heck yes i wanted a cake with candle. I wanted to do what i wanted on my special day. But shocker. Never did.

My dad would just watch facebook in the living room, my mom would crochet and watch tv and i would sit in my room watching youtube and playing roblox alone.

I'd also draw as a kid and write little stories. Id usually do this during the religous meetings we had however, so i had to stop. The only consitant thing in my childhood was going to church every tuesday and sunday.

All of this is starting to hit hard cause im hopefully going to uni (which is a 7hr drive away from home) and we are going on a holiday before i head to uni in september (which they only have started tryibg to book now so we are incredibly limited on where we want to go in the uk). Now i asked a sinple question of "do u wanna do somsthing? We could go golfing?" And my mom snapped back "thats why where we will stay is near the beach, for you to go for walks". I said fine and nothing after that.

I feel like i missed out as a kid

My social skills are at a literal 0 and my personality is so different to everyone i know, i feel so god damn alone.

Now even when i was 16-18 my parents did not give an absolute shit on whered id be. Just as long as my tracker was on on my phone and i didnt do drugs or drink. Other than that. Do whatever. But i dont because of countless of reasons which i asked for help multiple times for over the past few yeara and everytime its been no or if u can pay it yourself. (Ive asked for therapy).

I understand, its not cheap. But then they will buy me expensive shit that i dont need.

Now thr good memories of me when i was a kid. Playing games, going for walks, going to the park, playing basketball, skateboarding, going out for dinner, just talking out in thr sun, gossiping. All with my grandpa. My grumpy grandpa who was an asshole to everyone else in my family but me. He died recently and at the time, i didnt feel his loss that bad. But now, as time has gone on without him. It hurts.