I don’t really know how to start or where to start but I caused the death of one of my best friends

It’s a long story but to try to make it short we needed gas for a four wheeler and I had a car unlicensed so I took said car to another town with a gas station opened I don’t remember much but from there a cop tried to pull us over and I as a driver made the decision to run from the cop that pitted us into a tree that wrapped the car around the tree and he passed away. It’s been almost 8 years since then. I can’t help but blame myself for those actions as my personally decisions made those actions that took his life. I feel like I deserve to live a life of suffering for the most part cause of those actions. I get that people may say it’s not my fault I’ve heard it since then. But how could it not? It was my fault. I know I don’t need to live a damaged life cause of it but I want to. I’m not really sure why I’m making this post if I want to live that life. It’s just life hasn’t been the same since that day. I’ve done many substances since then and I don’t do those substances anymore but yes at the time it did help. But I still feel, joy, happiness, nervous, anger, and all the emotions since then but it still gets to me. When it first happened the first few weeks went by so fast. I guess im wondering if anyone has advice for me or someone who wants to talk about it I guess cause I don’t talk about it much tbh