not feeling fem enough?

helloooo

ever since I was little I felt like I was too "off" "odd" "boyish" "square" as in... not adequate enough to be a girl? I am autistic with heaps of childhood trauma and other stuff so that would explain the alienation maybe... but I felt that way despite being very feminine! I still am! I'm the kind of a very bubbly and affectionate person, always been into stuff like Barbie and littlest pet shops (which I organised in very autistic rows that mustn't be disturbed)

but I'm also 160cm tall so I've always been small. I had a lot of "baby fat" growing up so I always felt chubby and too square and was used to, you know, being weird and getting laughed at. I like pink and colours and generally genuinely prefer the "stereotypically female" stuff and DESPITE ALLLLL THAT I've always felt like I looked like a boy in a dress. and that's like before the whole trans thing or anything . like not good enough to be a girl and if I presented as a girl out people would look at me weird. it makes me feel so exposed and I'm scared of being perceived.

basically— being off T won't and doesn't exactly change it because it's an issue I've had forever because of how my body naturally is, I've got slightly broader shoulders etc I feel like I look bulky and god I clench my jaw all the time. but I feel like if I want to live as a girl then I have to "look more like a woman" but that goes beyond the aftermath of transition (I was on T for 4 years but that's all, I stopped like 3 months ago)

and it's not like I wanna present masculine or butch but it feels like I'm obligated to because I've never felt like I fit in. but well, I mean I don't dress masc, I probably dress androgynous-esque but still. anything fem feels like stepping into boiling water and needs to stay within the walls

my voice has always been slightly deeper too so it's almost like all of that just made transitioning seem more appealing :(( idk maybe someone relates?