Adult Fixation After CSA - Help

Hey. Turned fifteen a month or so ago. I've only ever experienced attraction toward adults (from ten to now). About all the context needed there, I believe. Yes, there was a lot of early sexual abuse. I'm sorry if this doesn't belong here or violates any rules I've failed to honour.

I feel like I fetishise adults or their adulthood. Every aspect of adulthood is something I excite over. A few examples; absolute developmental maturity of the body and brain and pretty much anything really managed by adults (if that makes a lick of sense). Even simply an adult whose task is going to work and maintaining their career is enough of a thought for me to have to work with. Kind of like maturity, authority, competence, and routine. I guess maybe in that order. Sorry. Physically, I feel aroused when it comes to bodily maturity - everything mature I can detect is going to set my body off. It's so sick.

I fixate so dedicatedly to adults. It's disgusting, but I think so much of sexuality throughout my days. It has to make up about sixty percent of them. Used to be a lot more. I think only of scenarios of me and adults in that time. Of course, this should be heavily condemned and shred to death - but I've never been able to shake it. It's just this corded sickness that's been wrapped tight to my every limb and it's so fucking nauseating. I get so physically unwell when I feel it bubbling and I repeat to myself over and over again that I don't want this anymore. I feel so ill and resigned - some days, I cry. I'm pathetic. Don't even cry to anything else. I'll always hold the white flag in the end. I always cave to it; if not normally, I'll do it just to have the feeling stop. The end can only be given when I succumb.

I've posted about it elsewhere and multiple times because it won't leave me be. No one provides me the harsh, cutthroat advice I need here. It's all the same, "Bodies are bodies. You're just [twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen]. You're a victim." I'm no victim. I lost the right to that identity the day I danced to the tune of sickness, whether it was conditioned or not. I need this eradicated and no one will help. It's one thing or the other; radical sympathy or out of touch encouragement. Neither have been helpful to me.

I don't even know whether this counts as CSA symptom or if it's at all even connected with the earlier abuse. Maybe this comes from never having had a parental figure.

But it hurts all the same. Fifteen is my last year as a true member of youth, so I'll act much more impulsively and dreadfully until I come to sixteen. I can't lie and say it's unlikely I'll have gone out and done things I shouldn't with adults again before then. I saw it in how I behaved at fourteen - I felt my youth was beginning to elude me and I took advantage of what I assumed would be my last year of anyone I liked interested with what I could offer. I'm paranoid I've been moving the goalpost every year I think this. Maybe I was right that turning thirteen was the last of my years.

Jesus, man, I'm really just rambling now. So sorry about that.

My confession is that I'm appealed and aroused to the thought of any and all adult aspect. Every fucking time I think of things adult-adjacent or just typical of adults, I'll feel the same. My mind will scream at me the same things during and after its process. I hate my life. Wish none of it ever happened. I'm going to end up a waste. I need so much help.