Shame & self-loathing for a mistake I haven’t even made yet

I want to apply for a bachelor’s degree and then master’s degree in France, where I live. I’ve been working here for 5 years and living here two more than that.

I am so fucking overwhelmed trying to navigate everything. I have grown up a LOT in the past few years (I’m 28) but my whole life has been haunted by screwing things up by missing a document, forgetting the time of an appointment, missing an application date. I make these mistakes a lot less frequently than I used to, but navigating something that feels so high stakes to me is crushing me and I am having such a hard time staying on track. I feel so much shame surrounding the idea of failure not because I’m not qualified for something but because I couldn’t get my shit together.

I know 28 isn’t old, but I’ll be 30 by the time I’d start the bachelor’s and it’s 5 years of studying so I do feel pressure to get a move on. My lovely French boyfriend tries to help when he can but it’s not his job to babysit me.

I’m losing my mind! I just don’t want to fuck this up for myself :( I hate that the biggest problems in my life are always my fault. I wish I had someone else to blame