what if my memories are wrong?

i know that what i went through is real but i genuinely sit sometimes and will ask myself "what if im making it up" the worst is that i have been thru cocsa as a kid but i sit back and think "what if it was my fault?" "what if im just trying to make myself feel better because the reality is im remembering it wrong to make myself feel better because thats what abusers do and what if im the abuser actually?" even tho i know that at the time i had no idea what she was asking me to do, i just remember her sitting in very provocative positions and asking me to do stuff and when was caught she immediately blamed me and all i remember is being told that im a boy shes a girl its the boys fault. im not sure if its because of the fact she is a girl and im a boy but also my family basically forced us to make up and forget about it. i ended up gay and now i think im just rambling 🥲