Forgiving myself

I guess this will be me just venting . This year will be 3 years of marriage for me & my husband, since meeting him I have always been pregnant or postpartum. I have decided I cannot use these reasons as excuses for my behavior. I know it can take a toll on a woman’s hormones & attitude but then again is it really an excuse ? When we met I got pregnant immediately, decided to end it & wait till we got to know eachother better, a month later I got pregnant again. We decided okay we are supposed to be doing this together. End up getting married & fully committed to each other within the first 6m of knowing one & other. I guess you can say we both completely love bombed eachother everything moved very fast paced like some shit from a movie back in the day. Our son turned 2 in December, I am also pregnant now with our second baby. Before I got pregnant with this baby I had got pregnant with another that ended with me needing all kinds of surgeries & it was a really hard time for us. This pregnancy has also been really hard. I have been a bitch this whole time, I loose my patience easily, I walk around with an attitude majority of the time, & I can blow up on him a lot. We went to marriage counseling for a while & it really helped. It seems like it was all a waste now though because I’m the only one who cannot stick to what we have worked on. He has his mishaps but I always resort back to what I’ve always done. It seems like we can be doing great & then I just mess it all up. The other day I said something pretty hurtful in regards to finances & then proceeded to blow up later that day saying some more horrible things out of anger. My comment about finances really hurt his feelings more than I thought & even after apologizing I now feel like complete shit. I already always feel like shit & like I’m not doing good enough , but I just can’t seem to stop feeling guilty ,Like I’m taking for granted & don’t appreciate of all of the amazing things he does for me & he deserves better. I can’t shake the feeling & can’t stop sabotaging my marriage. My husband is great, he’s an amazing dad & an outstanding provider, it feels like with everything I said I have a hard time believing he truly thinks I’m sorry. I don’t understand why he still wants to be with me. I wish I can just do right & stop messing up. Saying things I can’t take back & being so cold. I don’t know if me not being pregnant or postpartum will even really help me. Or maybe I’m just too damaged.

Just venting at this moment so I can maybe stop feeling so sorry for myself when I cause all my issues. That’s it for now 🤷🏻‍♀️