Vent

This is to a girl I loved. We dated for a few months until she ghosted me in December. Right now, she blocked me on everything so I don’t really know where to say this, but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Dear P.

I think I love you, but also go fuck yourself. I heard that journaling is a good way to get over a breakup and even though this isn’t one, I’m treating it like it is anyways. I also know how sad I look doing this so that’s why I’m glad I’m just a stranger on the internet. There is so much I could say to you right now and that’s why I wish you hadn’t blocked me. I know I haven’t been putting in effort. When we first met I’ll be honest, I didn’t think you were anything special. But as we kept speaking, you grew on me. I remember trying to cut things off early, but you convinced me otherwise. Looking back, that’s where it should have ended, I could have avoided getting hurt by putting myself first. But, no. You convinced me to stay a while longer, and I don’t know why I agreed to it, but i did. Maybe I did it because I felt bad, maybe I did it because deep down I really did like you, maybe I didn’t and knew I would just feel guilty dumping you; but I know that what I should have never let you convince me. You were cared for me, and l may have not been the best to you. But I do care for you as a person and if I were a smarter man I would have never spoken to you at all to avoid all of this. Unfortunately I realised how much you cared for me when it was too late so I’m really sorry and if that’s the reason you don’t want anything to do with me, that’s fine.

However, I’ll never truly know if that’s the reason because what isn’t fine is you ghosting me and fucking off to nowhere, that’s fucked up bro. For the past few weeks, you’ve had my brain all over the place, trying to connect the dots where I went wrong. Could I have done something differently? Absolutely. I don’t want to have to come to that conclusion by myself without your input, and that’s why I wish you hadn’t blocked me. But now with you gone I’ll never know what it was that truly drove you away, I can only think of these scenarios in my head and it’s been killing me. Months I waited for you, just as you waited for me, and you ran away from me. Fuck, why can’t you just say something? What hurts the most is the fact I will never know why you really dumped me, I can only assume. There was no communication, there was no message. We spoke for 5 minutes, you were fine, I was happy to hear your voice, when all of a sudden out of nowhere you leave me grovelling in your dms for attention, how fucking high and mighty. You are a coward who is scared of confrontation, and lord knows what your reaction would be if I said all this in front of your face. Would you stare at me clueless? Would you sit there and take it? Would you beg me to stop talking? I don’t know, I’m just a guy writing his thoughts into his phone like a retard. But I digress. I don’t know why I miss you, or rather what it is about you that makes me miss you. Maybe it was the sex, maybe it was how comfortable you made me feel, maybe I just liked the idea of a pretty girl caring about me. But this uncertainty also makes me sort of understand what I was thinking when I tried to cut you off. I honestly have no idea what was going to happen to us. We had barely anything in common, talking to you felt like a chore, and you were pretty unfunny too now that I think about it. That being said, why the fuck do I miss you so much?

I’ll never know, and I’m still not really sure how to process all this. I know I was a dick at first, and you didn’t deserve to be treated that way, however I would much rather you stand up for yourself and call me out on that and berate me with all sorts of names rather than just running away from me, at least that way there’s some fucking closure. But I do know that the pain will go away eventually. You might reach out to me in the future, and if you do I would forgive you, just like I want you to forgive me, but I doubt you reaching out at all would happen. You’re not the type to write a long paragraph about your emotions, which - to me - indicates that you have trouble communicating. I don’t really think we’d work out as a couple. Looking back, I think I might just miss the idea of having you care about me. If you did come back and we started speaking again, I would probably go back to my old self, leaving you on delivered and generally just being a shitty bf, and we both know you don’t deserve that. You know, as twisted as it sounds, it’s nice to have someone there who cares for you, even though you might not necessarily care for them. I miss you, and I’m sorry for treating you like a dick and wasting your time but I know you’re not coming back because you’re probably too scared to talk to me. To get over you, I have to understand that I’m not good for you, but at the same time you are not good for me. And because I know you’re (Probably) not reading this I will say this to you. P, you’re a slimy, cowardly fat bitch with a smelly vagina and no personality. Being with someone like you would probably bore me to death. You have no deep thinking skills, you’re retarded, and you literally don’t know anything. Those were your go to words when I’d ask any question - “I don’t know”, fuck me you’re boring. And here you are blocking someone out of nowhere before acting fine with them, what a spineless joke you are. Fuck you, you’re a boring and emotionally stunted piece of shit and I hope you get ghosted by someone who is 10x hotter than me. But for now, we are out of each other’s lives.

And even after all that, I still miss you. What the fuck is wrong with me?