Narcissistic and alcoholic mother

I am the son of a narcissistic and alcoholic mother. I am 39 years old, I am a man, and I am entering this community with great respect, because I know what you have suffered or are suffering. For less than a year, I have been in NC, and until then I didn't even know that this was possible. Knowing that this exists, that it has a name and that there are people doing this in a planned and, in some way, legitimized way, made me very happy.

Since yesterday I have been feeling quite light knowing that I no longer need to carry this, that this is not a problem and that, in fact, there are people who are doing this and improving with it. I think my intention here is just to say that it is strong, it is difficult, but I feel that there is a light that emerges from this as well. And, in some way, this light seems to compensate on some level.

I also want to… it's a venting session, but if anyone wants to tell me or explain what happens after a year, two or three of NC, that would be very valuable to me. Besides that… well, anyway, her alcoholism was very strong, and the trauma was even greater because of that.

Until two years ago — or a year ago — I didn't know who I was and who she was. I had veils and veils and veils, and they all fell off last year. I cried for 30 days straight, I had contortions in my body, of release, of… well, anyway. And I think the most difficult phase, in terms of my body, may have already passed.

But I still want to try to flirt without fear, talk without fear, be natural. Because it seems that the hypervigilance she caused me is, in fact, chronic, but I feel that maybe there will be some improvement with time. If anyone wants to talk about it too, I think they would be welcome.

Maybe it's not worth going into too much detail, because I believe everyone here already has their own details within themselves, but I believe that alcoholism… I also went down the path of alcohol and drugs. I've been hospitalized 14 times, and it's been almost four years without hospitalization — or rather, it's been four years without hospitalization.

And I didn't realize that, in fact, even if I died, it wouldn't make any difference, because she would use my death against me and in her favor. Today I feel that the best I can do is get well. That's the most disruptive thing and what maybe the family, she, and everyone else don't want. My well-being.

And that's exactly why that's where I'm going.