Reaction to having my wrist grabbed

I’m not going to go into the details, but I’m a survivor of intimate partner violence and I have cptsd from it. I’ve been in therapy for years trying to get better, and it’s been hard, since my husband was the one whose actions caused the abuse. He has since done therapy, learned to manage addictions, and got diagnosed and medicated for his mental illness.

To try to shorten this as much as possible, yesterday he gave me a look when he was upset before bed, and I tried to take his stuff out of the room so he could sleep out in the living room. The day prior was rough because he had a medication adjustment and was not very kind to me, so I was already trying to manage a lot of the old feelings coming up.

Well in the middle of putting his stuff out he grabbed my wrist to stop be from dropping something breakable down on the ground, with almost no pressure, and I lost it. I felt this rage come over me, and the feeling that I will never let him hurt me again, even though it’s been years. I started hitting him in the chest over and over again. He’s a military vet and I’m 4’11” and 105 lb. He’s more than double my size, so my hand just bounced right off him and his chest.

We have talked since, and I apologized for hitting him and yelling, and he apologized for glaring at me instead of talking to me and for grabbing my wrist.

The thing is, I feel terrified of my reaction and losing control like that. The amount of rage I felt scares me so much. I’m already on medication for anxiety, it helps with anxiety and my mood overall, but this wasn’t anxious anger. It was like a switch flipped inside me and I didn’t care what happened to me, and if I got hurt in the process, because I swore I would never let anyone make me feel helpless and like I was going to die ever again.

So I’m looking for support, or more insight, or even advice, because I don’t want this to happen again.