I am having a miserable life, because of myself, the mistakes and the suffering.

I remember my life from 6 years old, where I was exposed to unwanted nudity, then at 7 I started getting bullied till 15, i had few friends slowly everyone left town i was alone, i stopped going outside, now bullying got even worse, more worse happened when i was raped at 8 the rapist later made fun of me with his friend circle, I lived in trauma for few months but since i was a boy noone cared and there were already violence going inside my house and the family pressure with no freedom i had to do better academically, I got beaten nearly everyday for that, it instead slowed my studying because I was frustrated. I was also groomed by an uncle of mine, as i was also weak i was sexaully harassed by peers so that they can make fun of me, finally i got a friend but after a month he joined the group of kids who bullied me and mercilessly bullied me. and the environment was so disturbing that if you dont use abusive language you are not cool and will be bullied for that, i had to fit in, i saw disturbing things teens watching. I had nothing at this point like literally nothing.

i turned 14, and only thing that gave me a little joy was pornography, i got slowly got addicted to it too much and i cant blame a teen with hormones to feel a joy in the world where he has nothing.

But it got worse when I touched a older women's butt while we were sleeping, and my understanding was so low that there were even people in the room, she slept beside me and i didnt think much of it during the moment, then i turned 15 nothing changed it, instead after i joined tution where the bullying got worse and at 15 i again touched in a similar way, but i felt so wrong this time, still couldnt understand why it was wrong, i decided to stop touching people.

i turned 16, now nothing has changed still, but I got a new trauma named guilt, this made my life miserable for doing something like that, i always tried to become a better person, but puberty and trauma made me act like that, I did some research on what people say about this i came to find out it was a disgusting and creepy behaviour i came to find out lack of force and fear makes it a less serious situation. And honestly i could never do that i dont know what did i even think at that moment doing aomething like that, It was all in situation.

now i am 17, living my worst life, i conatcated people they said you were a kid let it go, but i cant i wish i didnt grew up. I wish atleast I could have a normal childhood. for context i was never evil, and I am actually proud of that i never wnated hurt anyone, i helped a lot of people one kid from suicide. but It all mattered nothing.