Am I Overreacting, my friends new girlfriend seems weirdly hostile towards his female roommate and called her a slur she swears she "can say" among other insults.

Okay, I need some help because I’m unsure if I am overreacting or not. (This is a throwaway account cause most of my friends know my main.)

So, almost my entire friend group is part of the alphabet mafia/ fruit salads/ skittle committee, whatever you want to call us, we are all queer in some way. The only straight person in the group is Dustin (26M), and although he isn't queer, he is an ally and had an experimental period during his Uni days. We met him through one of our friends, Dani (26F), as they were in the same Law course at university and are currently roommates. He clicked with our group perfectly, was passionate about similar issues in the world that we were passionate about, had similar interests and hobbies that we all shared and just in general was a stand-up guy.

To paint a little picture of just how bloody great he is, when I first met him with the three others in our group, we were going around to Dustin’s and Dani’s place for the first time, as they had just moved out of student accommodations into a shared flat near some internships they had scored. I had no idea that I was on my period, as it is incredibly irregular and I don’t get any noticeable warning signs before (I do get some symptoms, but I’m a pretty sickly gal, so it isn't obvious to me). Well, we had been watching a movie, and I was sitting between Dustin and another one of our friends and unknowingly bled through the sweatpants I was wearing. I was so embarrassed as I only noticed when Dustin shifted, as he had been sitting cross-legged, and some of the blood had gotten on his sock. My last partner was really damn toxic about my period blood and literally treated me like a dog, saying I couldn’t sit on his sofa while on my period because he had insisted on getting a white one, and that is barely scratching the surface. Dustin was so understanding, though, and offered me his shower to use as he had an ensuite, and it would give me more privacy.

I was going to borrow clothes from Dani but she wears a size 16 and I wear a size 10 (UK sizes) so things like underwear wouldn’t fit well and , as I use pads, might have made things sit awkwardly or uncomfortably and he offered to drive down to the local Tesco with one of the girls so they could buy me some underwear that would fit so I wouldn't have to go home as my parents house was around an hour or so away. By the time I came out of the shower room in the clothes Dani lent me and the stuff they bought, Dustin wasn't even in the flat but was out on the balcony, apparently “having a smoke” but had given me permission to take some of his painkillers if I needed any. About two hours or so later when him and Dani were doing drop offs home (he was the only one with a car), I asked one our friends in the back with me, Laura, if she wanted me to pay her back for the underwear she bought me and she mentioned that Dustin had paid as she forgot her wallet and when I tried to pay him back he refused saying “I made the offer with 0 mention of you paying me back, don’t think me doing you a solid will ever come with strings.” I later found out from Dani that when he had been out “smoking”, he was just out there on his phone, and he doesn’t smoke. I asked her why he would tell them to lie about that, and she said that he had been worried that I would be uncomfortable around him, as he was aware that it was probably embarrassing, even if it didn't upset him. So, to make sure that I would be okay, he would step out and remove a potential stressor from the environment I was going to be in.

To this day, I still feel like I haven't thanked him enough, but he's a hard man to get to accept gifts, let alone thank-you gifts. All this to say, he's great.

Recently, he met a woman at the gym he goes to , Clara (27F), and they apparently really hit it off and started dating. Around a month in, he asked if we would be okay with Clara attending our monthly found-family dinners (many of us are no contact with abusive family, so doing this fills a void; I really do recommend it). We all said sure, and that if he likes her, we’re sure we’d love her. Dani was by far the most excited. She and Dustin were super close, and for a little bit of extra context, Dani has no firm sexual identity as she states that her preferences will always change, but mainly just says shes pansexual as she is adamant that someone's gender identity will never change how much she is attracted to them, and pansexual fits this feeling the best in her eyes. Although we all thought she may have had a crush on Dustin, as they are very touchy with each other, she has said many times she loves him like a platonic soulmate, but the idea of kissing him makes her gag, which he laughs at every time. (She actually said, “I would never lock lips with that cretin, but I would weave our capillaries together so we could share each other's souls, you know, how I feel for all my good friends.” At which his response was just “huh, poetic I like it.” Dani is weird in the best way.) This is to say that Dani is in no way attracted to Dustin, nor would she want to steal him from his girlfriend (I’m sure you can see where this is going).

Well, the dinner date comes around, and Clara shows up, dressed up to the nines. She was wearing the tiniest red dress I’ve ever seen and some of those really expensive red-bottom heels, not to mention her hair and makeup. It was gorgeous. Usually, people just dress however they want to these dinners in our styles, which, for Max (another one of our friends) and me, is quite gothic and grunge-inspired. Dustin dresses comfortably, Laura likes wearing her latest cosplays and Dani... Dani dresses UP! Dani is not the kind of woman who wears makeup a lot; she just can’t be bothered most of the time and just makes sure she looks presentable for work, but these dinners unleash a beast where she can dress however she wants around people she knows won't judge her. This time she was wearing a dress she had made, floor length burgundy gown that dragged along the floor with matching gloves, think Jessica Rabbit, she was hot. The gown was a bit revealing, as she is a very curvy woman, and the girls were front and centre of attention, but she loves that kind of stuff and has gone on a very big journey of loving those parts of her body that people have taken advantage of and objectified her for. Part of that journey has been wearing these dresses she makes to feel beautiful, to our dinners to get used to people seeing them, and we’re all so proud of her for it.

Well, when Dustin came in with Carla and saw how Max and I were dressed, she made a comment of “Oh, is there some kind of dress code I was unaware of? Sorry for coming so overdressed, you two look... cute though.” In a tone that I am 99% sure was meant as a jab, but Dustin didn’t pick up on. I’m pretty sure Max did as he responded with, “Oh no, we went tame cause a new person is attending, if anything, you’d be underdressed. But you look... cute too!” Carla visibly soured at that and huffed, leaning against Dustin and saying something about “didn't tell me your friends were the rude type,” although I couldn’t hear her properly. Dustin quite loudly responded, though, saying, “What? He said your outfit was cute, like you said to them, what's wrong?” Not even being sarcastic, as Dustin is autistic and often struggles with social nuisances and I fully believe he probably didn’t realise Carla was probably being shady at first.

Nothing much happened with Carla until Dani came out of the kitchen to help Laura serve everyone, as they always cook the biggest meals, and everyone else brings snacks and stuff for after the dinner or dessert. I swear, when Carla saw Dani walk out with a big dish of Mac n cheese and smile at her, I heard her nails literally drag across the table. It was subtle, but Carla overall just looked super tense. She said, “Oh, you must be my boyfriend's roommate, you look stunning, I’d never wear anything that shows off that much!” and Dani responded, “Oh yes, hi, I’m Dani. I knew I was meeting you today, so I had to make a good first impression, and well, the girls have excellent reviews... I’m sorry, I get awkward around new people. It really is nice to meet you.” Carla just responded with a “mhm” but wouldn't stop glaring directly at Dani’s boobs, I’m not even kidding.

Halfway through the dinner Carla had to go to Dustin’s car to grab her cardigan she left behind as she “wanted to cover up and get more comfortable” and as I was sat near the door I offered to follow and let her back in as we don't leave the door unlocked ever at any of our places, too many anxiety disorders in our group for that to be comfortable. Dustin said he would do it, but Clara said it was fine and that she didn't mind me going with her. Once outside, Clara immediately began making comments about Dani that I’m pretty sure were just straight-up shit-talking her. The one that stood out the most and has genuinely been lingering in my mind was when she so confidently said, “She better not wear stuff like that around my man, or I swear, I’ll show that F*g (slur for queers) that being a skank gets you slapped.” I was flabbergasted and was like, “What the... You can’t say that,” and she said, “Oh, don’t worry, I’ve dated a girl before.” But when we asked her what sexuality she was earlier, as she was asking about ours, she said she was straight but an ally.

I just straight up don’t know what to do. I didn’t let her back into the house after that and said that I would tell Dustin if she didn't come up with some excuse to fuck off for tonight, but it's been eating at me. I haven't told Dani or Dustin yet, but I did speak with some of my work colleagues who are older than me (in their 30s) who are also queer, hoping for some good advice, and one said to tell both Dani and Dustin, and all the others say I’m overreacting and this is none of my business. I just want to protect my friends, but after so many people told me I’m overreacting, I don’t know if I’m judging Carla too soon.