I’m trying, but I’m not moving

I currently hate myself.

So, I’m a student of a fashion and textile design school, I did all the exams and passed and I should have finished all my thesis work one and a half year ago but I’m still here, in this never ending limbo where I start doing some thing, I do like 1/2 h of work and then I don’t do nothing else for about an entire week. I do other activities like laundry, organising home, but mostly I’m doom scrolling.

It’s been month or even years that I’m trying to change, I’m trying writing note of my days and my thoughts on a diary, trying reading books, listening to albums or sharing time with friends, speaking with a psychiatrist.

The thing is that I think that I’m living a good life, even on the thesis side and then I go to meet my professors and they destroy all my dream of being on a good path. So yes, I am dreaming, I think that I can do it but every time I’m sent back to the beginning.

I was thinking that maybe that’s why I don’t work so much, because it’s been like 2 years that I feel that my thesis is always at a starting point.

The work that I need to do is not only academic, is more practical. I need to present so much stuff that I don’t even have the idea on how to do it. Yeah, in theory I have but HOW. This seems impossible to me, and when I see it possible something crashes me everything.

Yesterday I went to one of these professor that I’m talking about. This one is very important because she is the link between the students and the industry. Like, if I need something in particular to be done for my thesis she can help me find the right persons to help me. I went there her with only my textiles thinking “ahah! She’ll be surprised of how much stuff I collected during these months!” And then the hell on earth! She said that it’s impossible for me to graduate in time, she said to other students behind my back that I had nothing to show (yes I heard it, the door was open)

So what I did after that? I said that I was ready to do what I have to do to graduate in time, no matter what. She just said that would be a miracle. She knows me, I never done miracles. I left the place, had breakfast tried to calm down without success and then I lay down in my car and I doom scrolled for maybe 4 to 5 hours straight! I stopped only to recharge my phone, eating, smoking a cigarette and trying to regain myself by wandering by car.

And that’s why I’m here. I went nuts. Maybe I had a panic attack, I don’t know. I think I’m crashing out once again. I have this feeling of failing that stay always with time, month after month, even when I don’t remember about it

Now I’m back home, i though about this all situation a lot and I think that I’m doing this thesis without a real feedback from my mentor professor, or others, I’m doing stuff when I feel it and I convince myself of what I’m doing is good. So how can I do all the thesis work in so much short of time and with all this overthinking stuff in my head, doing so little every è week, without even knowing that I’m following the right path? Am I burning out? Should I do something else in my life? But I like this! That’s what is going on… I like it! But I can’t do it good right now?

It’s easier to me to imagine what I can do if I’ll not graduate this April: I’ll move to the city where I followed the lessons, find me a par time job at a restaurant (I did this job for like YEARS, so) so I can repay the yearly university bill and trying to do this fucking thesis once again. The only good thing is that I will live in a place that is right next to the studio of the professor that told I can’t do miracles.

I told my parents (my mama) that the meeting of yesterday didn’t went so well and that professor thinks I can’t do it. Today my mother sent me a message to encourage me to do it anyway, I don’t want to disappoint my family once again …. I just want to cry.