I hate existing. I hate living.

Hi. This is my first time posting, and I don’t really expect anyone to read this, but I need to get it off my chest.

I’m a 22-year-old woman, and as long as I can remember, my mother (54f) never wanted me or my twin sister. We were an unwanted pregnancy. My mom was always working and emotionally absent, while my dad was the one who was around most of the time.

Growing up, I was bullied both physically and verbally. At home, things weren’t any better. My mom constantly insulted me and behaved like a narcissist, which only added to the trauma. I started self-harming when I was around nine years old—biting myself and pulling my hair out. No one noticed, or if they did, no one cared. Even now, I still self-harm by cutting.

As I got older, my mom became more aggressive. She would threaten us with a knife and scream that she would kill us if the house wasn’t perfectly clean. To this day, I clean the entire house from top to bottom. My parents don’t clean after themselves at all—they leave urine, hair, and boogers everywhere. And i have to clean that shit.

I haven’t had friends since high school. I’m now in my second year of college. A few days ago, I got into another argument with my mom, and once again she threatened to kill us with a knife. When I tried to defend myself, everyone turned against me. Since then, no one has spoken to me.

I went to my room and cried. At one point, my mom opened the door, looked at me without saying a word, and then closed it again.

I feel like I’m going fucking insane. I can’t rely on my twin sister either. When I told her that I wanted to commit suicide, she said, “That’s not my problem. Go to a psych ward.” After that, I stopped talking to her too.

I hate living here. I hate feeling trapped. I don’t want to live past 30. I’m exhausted from being treated like a servant, from crying every day, from feeling invisible. I feel like I’m going crazy.

If you read this far, thank you. I really mean it. I hope you have a good day.