He treats me well, so i panic and push him away. why am i like this?

it makes zero sense on paper, right? you beg the universe for a kind, consistent man. you finally meet one who texts back on time and communicates clearly... and suddenly you feel sick? you feel like running away. you start picking fights over nothing. you convince yourself he’s "boring" or "secretly a psycho."

that was me 3 years ago. i almost ghosted the first healthy guy i dated because his consistency triggered my anxiety. i was sitting in my therapist’s office, literally crying, asking her: "why do i only feel chemistry with guys who treat me like trash? am i broken?"

she told me something that hit me like a truck: "chaos is addictive. peace feels unfamiliar to a traumatized nervous system, so your body registers it as DANGER."

basically, because i was so used to walking on eggshells with my ex, "calm" felt like a trap. i was waiting for the other shoe to drop. my body didn't know how to be safe, so i was trying to create drama just to feel "normal" again. it wasn't that i didn't love him. it was that i didn't know how to accept love without pain.

i had to do a lot of work to re-train my nervous system to tolerate being treated well. it sounds crazy that we have to "learn" that, but we do. i put together the specific grounding tools and mental shifts that helped me stop sabotaging good things in a short free pdf. if you’re currently pushing someone away and want to understand why, just message me your email address and i’ll send it over to you.

don't run away from the good stuff. you deserve to be loved properly. 🤍