Dry january

This year started as my year. I felt like a new person. I have known for a long time (years) that I have a problem with alcohol. Alcohol was my go to thing. At some points in my life it was my favourite thing. In the last 5 years without a doubt I have been obsessively aware that it is a problem. I made it part of my personality and genuinely thought it brought the best out of my personality. By December last year I was drinking every day. I had made the people I work with aware, in some kind of tounge in cheek, rebellious, jokey way that I drink, and by drink I mean all day. I'd go to work and down a beer or 2 by 9/10/11am. I didn't care, I didn't have to hide it and I'd tell them I am quitting in new year. By promising myself this I over compensated and totally let myself go, I allowed myself to do whatever the fuck I wanted as long as I stopped in January. I made myself so sick from drinking over the Christmas period while continuing to work crazy hours. I couldn't wait for January to arrive and convinced myself I HAD TO wait til January 1st to make this commitment and change.

January 1st. I went to work I was so proud and told everyone this is the start of me. I was done with alcohol. People know me and know how I constantly openly talk about drinking in a 'fuck it I'll have a beer' kinda way.

For two days I consciously and painfully witheld from alcohol. After five days it wasn't painful, it was interesting and new. I looked amazing. As somebody who hates they way they look I can proudly say I looked amazing. After a week people started telling me I looked great, I was so happy to look people in the eye, something I actively avoided just days ago.

Every day i felt better I enjoyed boredom, I got in touch with my family I toom care of myself. I organised myself. I was so so proud of myself. On day 15 I was in disbelief that I could honestly say to myself I hadn't done or said one thing that I regret so far this year. It blew my mind to be able to say that and mean that. I had almost no withdrawals I knew I had caught it before that and was so grateful to the universe and MYSELF that I had been able to identify a problem and deal with it.

It is January 27th. I am 3 days into drinking again. I just had to work out the mental gymnastics of which local store I should go to because I feel every clerk is counting, watching and judging me. They probably aren't, they probably don't count or care, I'm a stranger. But I am back at that stage and that means I know I am back in this mess.

I am 3 days into drinking again and I regret 100 things I have said and done in these 3 days.