What is the point anymore...

I am a nomad with no true home. Wandering the world in pursuit of a better life, just to find there isn't one. There will never be one. I am trapped in the liminal space of worlds, where I will never be considered whole regardless in what nation I stand. Always othered. Never "one of us."

One thing I've realized living on this planet. Humans only care about themselves. Governments only care about the able-bodied and rich. And society as a whole doesn't care.

my life is unlivable. I have a slew of issues lime BPD, autism, ADHD, chronic pain, migraines, a connective tissue disease, heart problems, spinal degeneration, probable POTS. Nearly every system in my body is failing even though I am only in my 20s. I am living in a constant pain and with a fractured identity to the point that it is simply unbearable.

I hate being American. I hate capitalism. I hate being punished by society just because I was born disabled. I have a university degree but still will never meet the qualifications or experience requirements, not to mention every listing saying some thinly veiled ableist bullshit shit like "must have good communication skills" or "must be able to lift ___lbs/kg" or "good at teamwork". I tried to go somewhere where health care was accessible. In fact, where my family used to live. Now, I am in said country for a second time and will probably be forced to return to an abusive home, due to inability to find accessible work and being unable to work a traditional job. Every single door of being able to find accessible routes, to simply survive has been mercilessly shut in front of me, whether it is by a one-day margin of eligibility, or simple apathy towards those in need. I cannot drive. I need vital medical help. No therapist has the experience to help me. And if they do, there is a 2-year waiting list.

But to tell you the truth I am scared of death. I have no one to talk to who would truly understand. And if I'm too scared to end my own life, I will probably be killed by the unsafe conditions of my homeland anyway.

So be it.