I am gay and HIV poz from India, it feels suffocating honestly.

Had my hospital visit today and it honestly broke me. Not sure how much longer I can keep hiding everything and managing all this alone.

I’m 21M from India. Got diagnosed with HIV last year and since then I’ve been handling meds, tests, and hospital visits by myself. Today was one of my regular visits.

Every six months they do kidney and liver tests. I’m extremely scared of blood, and in the past one year I’ve gone through so many tests that every time they draw my blood, it feels like a part of me is getting drained along with it. I lost another kg and I’m down to 47 kgs now. The stress is really getting to me.

I also deal with a lot of judgement. Other patients stare, and even some doctors aren’t very kind. I usually try to ignore it, but today it hit harder than usual.

No one in my real life knows about my diagnosis. At home I lie saying I’m going to college, but I actually go to the hospital to get my meds or tests done. I’ll be graduating this year. I had a job offer, but my father wants me to take a drop year and prepare for exams instead. Anything below a high salary is unacceptable to him.

I’m scared because if I take a drop year, I don’t know how I’ll manage my meds, tests, or even transport expenses.

I honestly wish sometimes that I had just died instead of dealing with all this stress every single day. I don’t have the courage to actually act on it, but the thought keeps coming back.