Type me, I'm curious

(stolen questionnaire)

1. What’s your biggest fear? 

I don't want to be alone. I'm scared of dying. I used to not be but now that I'm a little older, it scares me more. Becoming older and not having done anything with my life sounds scary. Not growing as a person at all. Losing anyone that I care about.

2. What’s your biggest desire?

I want to live to make a difference for others. I want to be a good role model. I want to make people feel seen and heard. I want to teach the things I'm passionate about. I just want to feel happy and fulfilled.

3. How do you see yourself 5 years from now?

Hopefully, I've done some of the things I wanted to do. I want to be a teacher so right now I'm thinking of taking the time to get certified (but it's a lot of work and money). I hope I'm still with the person I love and we're still happy. I want to have learned more and become a better version of myself.

4. How do you express yourself?

I'm not great with words. Maybe in a writing format, I can use words, but it takes me a lot of time to think. I prefer to express myself physically. With my gestures, expressions, clothes, etc. I swing between not expressive at all and completely expressive depending on how I'm feeling. I tend to become whatever is needed. Over time, I know if someone prefers outgoing me or quiet me (they're both me so it's ok). I think I have a lot of honest self expression but know when to reel it in and don't go overboard with it.

5. How do you feel about those near you? (family, friends)?

I have a tough relationship with my family. I didn't feel close to them growing up and I still have a hard time being around them now. The person I'm dating is everything to me. We have our issues here and there but I've never felt so loved and appreciated for just existing. I don't have many friends, but the few that I do have, I care about a lot. My partner's family have been very nice to me and I appreciate them for that. But there are still a lot of things I can't be honest about. Whether it's lack of acceptance (lgbt stuff, religion) or I'm just too nervous in general to rock the boat.

6. How do you feel about strangers?

I'm not great with strangers. I do my best to be friendly but that's it. I usually want to be left alone in public and worry about people with ulterior motives.

7. How do you view change/uncertainty? 

I dislike it. My life has always felt chaotic, but I really want a sense of stability. I haven't found that yet. The future is so uncertain all the time and it worries me. I can only take things one day at a time, and I wish I didn't have to. Fear of change is the reason I'm so bad at committing and being flaky. I'm so worried I'll make the wrong decision, that I'd rather just have no decision to make at all.

8. How do you deal with your emotions? 

I prefer to be alone to process my emotions. I cry a lot and very easily, but it's how I let it out. I hate crying in front of others because I'm worried about them thinking I'm looking for attention. Sometimes I just like to distract myself with a game or chores. I'm fine about talking about it with someone close, once I've gathered my thoughts. It just takes a while. I assume this question means negative emotions because with positive ones, what would dealing with them even mean?

9. What drives you in life? What do you look for? 

Right now, it feels like not much. I feel very stagnant. But the thing that keeps me going is I still want to experience life. There's things I still want to do. I want to become a teacher, I want to travel, I want to learn languages, I want to get married, I want to eat good food, I want to be alive to see the world change. I have hope that things will get better because so many people are fighting for what's right. I'm not alone in my beliefs.

10. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?

I feel like I've already answered this question a few times by now. So now I feel like a broken record. I want to make a difference, help others, learn more, do more, stop being so afraid of everything, and enjoy what I can along the way.

11 . What do you hope to avoid doing or being?

I don't want to be a bad person. When I make mistakes, I worry that everyone hates me and I'm horrible. I don't want to be mean. I want to be nice to everyone, but I feel like my social skills are not the best and I forget to do things the way I should sometimes. I don't want to be the toxic person that someone has to leave. I've left so many friends in the past because I chose not good people to associate myself with. I don't want to be the person someone has to cut out.

12. How do you want others to see you? 

I want others to see me as put together, smart, and kind. I get embarrassed when I mess up all the time because I'm worried people won't take me seriously if I can't do anything right. I get a lot of joy helping others and I want people to trust me with that. I feel that in a lot of social situations though, I never know what to say.

13. Describe how you experience each of: a) Anger, B) Shame, C) Anxiety

Anger: My anger is a slowly rising feeling. Keep it contained until I can't anymore. I think I have a lot of patience, but I get fed up a lot too. I know I'm bad at hiding my irritation and come across as passive aggressive sometimes.

Shame: I relate to the feeling of the fact that there is something inherently wrong with me. I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. I feel like no matter what I do, deep inside, I will always be a burden. It's hard to feel ok with myself but I think I'm slowly getting better. So many people around me put me down when I was younger. But now I'm surrounding myself with better, more mature people. So I'm trying to get out of this depressive rut.

Anxiety: I know I'm an extremely anxious person. I've been told I don't show it though. I've had a few accounts of acquaintances telling me I seem very calm and intelligent, but that's not how I feel. I can live out whole scenarios in my head in seconds. Sometimes it gets to me and sometimes I just acknowledge it's how my brain is. Always worried about getting hurt, hurting others, doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, causing problems, etc.