The parent - child role tendency in adult relationships

I knew that I had played the parent role in my recent long-term love relationship. But I wasn't aware that I sometimes did it in my friendships too, until I had a destiny reading by my sister. She told me that she could see a parent - child pattern in my chart.

Having reflected on it, I can see how my tendency has been to play the parent role. As I didn't feel much like a child in my childhood, I can see how easy it's been for me to slip into my parent role when I shouldn't have.

With friendships it is a lot more subtle than with love relationships. In my case, I have been doing it by offering unsolicited advice and solutions (I also blame it on the habit created during my business years as Virtual Assistant and then as Online Business Manager because I was getting paid to provide and implement solutions). Thankfully I haven't done it often. And there is a subtle line here that I think it's important to address: in my opinion a good friend does observe and mentions uncomfortable things, shares uncomfortable opinions, but without insisting. Because if our closest friends don't dare to point out to us things that we are not aware of, then who will? Isn't the purpose of having a close friend to be there for each other, help each other, and also point at uncomfortable things that others wouldn't? For example, if I were dating a man who treated me “less than” on our first date, I would definitely want my best friends to highlight those things for me and not let me drown in the water of my fantasy without a single attempt to save me. Of course, after that it's my choice what I do with that awareness. When I was very young I chose not to see and hear, but now I am older and wiser, hopefully it won't happen again. Nevertheless, my point here is that being a good friend also means saying uncomfortable things at times, and stopping when the other friend isn't ready /willing to hear or see. No insisting unless it's an immediate life threatening situation!

With love relationships, the parent - child pattern is easily visible all around us. Usually it is the woman who plays the parent role, being the next mother for her partner or husband. Because our mothers have done it, and their mothers, and their mothers, etc., it's often hard to realise that we are doing it, and even harder to snap out of it. I have been pissed off with my ex’s mum for not letting him grow up and for stepping in when he should have done it himself (like buying t-shirts for him once because he chose to spend his money on something else). But so had I! The numerous times I took care of the household, organised holidays, looked after our children, made decisions, researched and booked tradespeople, even did small repairs myself! And the worst of all? Trying to control his spending and correct his behaviour and addictions (many of us have addictions, whether to phones, sugar, adrenaline, alcohol, drugs, work, etc. but some are more socially acceptable than others and that's the excuse I have used) was definitely the wrong thing to do.

Why do women have a tendency to want to make someone else ‘better‘? I don't know yet, but I will find out.

With this increased awareness my intention is to continue being the great friend I have been, and being more mindful of when it's appropriate to give advice.

With this increased awareness my intention is to raise my son to be his own man and my daughter to be her own woman.

In my next relationship my intention is that my man and I see each other as a whole powerful person coming together with another whole powerful person to create a beautiful and fun partnership. And role-model that for my children.

I am going to conclude this post with something that a life coach taught me a few years ago, slightly adapted to the topic of my post: when we choose to see someone as capable, with their own Higher Self and free will, then we see them as powerFULL instead of powerLESS, and we move from feeling pity for them and wanting to force our help on them (a disguised way of trying to change someone) to respecting their journey and just being there for them. This life coach also taught me that I can pray and talk to that person's Higher Self if I can't help them on the physical plane.

May we be a lot more PowerFull than powerLESS!