Advice, possibly…?

I’m Female, 23 and my entire life I’ve struggled with maintaining relationships with people. I’ve only ever had one “friend” and this was when I was 14 until I was 17. I was greatly betrayed by her countless times throughout our friendship which ultimately is the core reason I’ve never allowed myself to get close to anyone again. I really loved her no matter how many times she’d hurt me. She brought me out of my shell. I was always soft spoken and reserved. She was very loud. She’d push me to do things that I wasn’t comfortable doing but I did anyways because I didn’t want to lose the only friend I ever had. A lot of that stuff still resides with me. She introduced me to very bad choices. And I was too naive to say no because I wanted her attention no matter what.

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To this day I still have severe anxiety most of it is because of my poor self esteem. I view myself to be such a disgusting person. I don’t even feel deserving to do such basic things. I miss out on so much because of it. Sometimes I don’t even want to keep living life because “pretty privilege” is definitely a thing. And being unattractive and “shy” is frowned upon. I’ve had people treat me like I’m a creature rather than a human because of the way I carry myself so meekly. It’s easier said than done to just be outgoing. It takes so much courage just to simply talk to someone even if I’ve known them for awhile. I lack a lot of social skills because of my upbringing. Even as I’ve gotten older they haven’t improved. It’s so embarrassing. I can’t carry conversations nearly as easily as other people even when I am comfortable around someone it’s just so hard for me to actually full on engage with someone. I feel I’ll never have an actual bond with someone because of this. I have no friends in real life or online. It’s sad to admit. But I don’t even have one person I talk to semi regularly. I do get depressed seeing people I knew from school, etc have huge friend groups and always are hanging out with each other why I’m rotting at home or work. I had a friend reach out again after a few months of not talking to me and no kidding she only messages me when she needs a ride. I’m only useful when I can offer things to someone. I’m stuck I really am. I don’t always want to have to try to be content with my own company. I wonder if there’s anyone out there like me or am I just abnormal.

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I was also in a bad marriage for 5 years. Since I freshly turned 18. He didn’t allow me to go out and do anything at all without making accusations. I was the provider financially for 4 years. He didn’t work. I’d come home to “hell” that’s what home felt like. Cleaning the same messes, running here and there. He’d refuse to drive so even when I was on my sick bed I’d have to go out and get him things that weren’t urgent. He’d constantly belittle me and call me dumb or make comments in regards to me being friendless. I’ve been sheltered my entire life even my entire adulthood. I’ve known nothing but that. Mental, verbal, and physical abuse is all I’ve been subjected to. I don’t know who I am as a person. I have no interest in anything. I never have a desire to do anything which of course is the depression. Everything just feels forced. My head always feels airy and empty because I’m always living off of fumes. I wish I had desires, I wish I had a will. A will to want better for myself. A will to do better for myself…. I just don’t care and I know that’s my problem. I just want to rest. But I can’t for the sake of my child. I wish I had more of a support system. I have no family at all apart from my child. I can’t fail her the way I was failed. I’m just so freaking tired.

I don’t know if this is over sharing but I need advice. I need words of encouragement. Anything… life is so freaking suffocating. I have the urge to relapse (self harm) something I’ve struggled with since I was 11 but I really don’t want to so I’m writing… I don’t want to relapse and feel the guilt in the morning.