I find it difficult to believe God orchestrates everything

I know God is all powerful, all knowing, etc. but that doesn't mean he controls everything. I know he could control everything, but that doesn't mean he chooses to. The way I see it, people are overly spiritual or exaggerate when they discuss or speak about certain things. The big issue I run into is the free will aspect of our lives. If we truly have free will and it's not some illusion or gimmick then our free will would require that we are able to determine our actions and follow through with them - receiving any consequences thereof.

When you encounter something in your life, how do you know God was behind it? I'm not saying he isn't or couldn't be, but the chances that he is seem slim to me. For one, why would he pick any one of us to do some miracle for? I'm not saying he doesn't provide miracles, but there's 8 billion humans on the earth, why would he pick any one of us over the other billions? It's odd because we know he doesn't answer every prayer, we know he doesn't encounter or meet with everyone. Some never experience him, others are like Paul and experience a grand event that opens their eyes when they see him on the road to Damascus. But, he chooses to whom he encounters and provides those miracles and to whom he doesn't. How do you know if Bob buying groceries is of God's will or desire? Sure, it might be a Christian thing to do, but that doesn't automatically mean Bob was told by God to do it. He might attribute it to God, wrongfully so, because he wants to give God credit for his actions or maybe he wants to believe God is leading him when he isn't - but the thing is Bob, through his own free will, could be simply choosing to do that because he wants to. How does Bob actually know God told him to do it, if at all? Do we simply attribute any and all positive things to God and none of the negative? Surely not, right? In some cases, God can use our pains and struggles to build our character and faith, but now we're getting murky - does God cause pain in our lives? Is he the cause of death and destruction? Well, ya he could be. In fact, in scripture God destroyed wicked sinners in the old testament - the wages of sin is death after all. But, did God make Hitler kill the jews? Did he make Putin blow up civilians every night with drones? Does God decide if an interceptor from a Patriot defense system misses the ballistic missile heading towards a school bus full of children? He could, maybe, but I don't think he does. I don't think he's forcing or causing injustice or even murder to happen.

We have free will and we can use it for good and evil - but that's up to us, not him. He may will us to be good but our decisions will impact others, not God's will. It's similar for marriages and people's relationships. How do you know God 'wants' you to marry someone? It seems odd that he'd have someone that specific picked out for any of us - again, why would he pick someone for any one person over someone else? Bad marriages happen all the time, even worse arranged marriages exist - purely man-made and desired. If God brought a man to a woman to marry, did the man or woman have a say? Did their free will exist to say yes or no? How is it possible to be free to live and choose but God just forced Sarah and Jeff to meet through any number of means? Also, given our track record and sinful state, even if God did make a man or woman for each other, it's impossible that we'd find them. If God made Sarah for Jeff in every case then then the second one of us marries the wrong person, the whole chain is broken. God made Sarah for Jeff and Rebecca for Steve, but Steve through his free will married Bethany. Oops, now who does Rebecca end up with? Maybe she marries Jeff and Sarah loses out, or not but then unless Rebecca knows she shouldn't marry anyone anymore she is going to break God's control no matter who she goes to.

If we have free will, I think it ultimately mandates God isn't actually in control of everything. If he was, we'd not have free will to tell someone no or yes. We couldn't make our own decisions that impacts others. God could interfere in some ways to prevent full consequences from our actions impacting others - imagine someone fires a bullet to another, God could in some form block the bullet or cause it to miss the head of another in the way. But, then why would he do that for some and not others? Like, he's picking and choosing Christians or nonbelievers whom he'll block that bullet for and not others. I know we're not God, he his thoughts and ways, but it seems rather arbitrary whom gets the miracle and who doesn't. God will answer some and not others - he isn't a genie, but then that means we're left in a world where God is choosing to be involved with some or taking a distance from others for any number of reasons why - I'm not saying he's wrong to do this, I'm merely pointing out the fact that this is happening. But, then this means, he is only 'controlling' certain situations and not others. So, unless you know which situations he is choosing to control, we can't say he is controlling everything. The truth of it is that he isn't, scripture says "he works everything together for the good" which includes the bad, but it doesn't indicate he's in control and that also seems subjective. Sure, maybe he can work a terrorist attack for some kind of good, but for the people who were killed, there's no way to 'work that for good' - they're dead. The perception of working things for good only matters to you while you're alive as once you're dead it's over. Does God control when we die or do we? People can choose to end their own lives.

The more I think about this, the more the only logical conclusion is that God doesn't control everything, he isn't behind everything, and that he chooses who he speaks to and who he gives miracles to, but that ultimately none of us are guaranteed either. And just because something good or bad happens, it doesn't mean God did it himself or had any part in it. Humanity's free will requires that God is not in control and it seems to me this is the case.