Pretty sure I have an eating disorder

I'm here as a newcomer to OA but not the 12 steps or meetings. Over the past couple of years, I've noticed I cannot stop thinking about food. After my dad passed, I started baking as a way to cope. I used to drink copious amounts of alcohol, but when he died I knew alcohol wouldn't make me feel better. My desire to drink basically vanished, even though it had been my main coping skill for about 13 years. I recognized as with most people that quit drinking, sugar was a comfortable substitute. That happened with my dad, so in a way, it made me feel closer to him.

Over the years I gained weight and felt sluggish. I started working with a personal trainer and it changed my life. Now I am strong. I feel good and realistic about my body. Exercise is a coping skill but not an addiction.

But I can't stop eating. I try to track my calories and do well, only to lose it around 9pm and just go crazy in the kitchen. Funnily enough my trainer struggles with this too and understands how grief fuels my addiction. I have lost 11 people in the past 5.5 years including both parents and not even counting my cat.

I want to control this but can comfortably say I feel totally out of control. Thanks for reading this far.