recap

good evening chat

its been horrible

i can admit that since I fell off in high school, I've been nothing but lustful. I talked to so many men, I let myself be sexualized and now I sit here typing. I am upset with myself and the outcome of my consequences from earlier choices. I wish I were better. I stick to a job that gets me by, I burnt out the money I had saved up and it would have been such a nice car. I was supposed to move out but so much is happening. I don't want to continue like this, there has to be something that's holding me back. it all draws back to you, I still love you. it's gut wrenching and conveniently you pop up. there was one in a million chance that you would be in the same game with me at the same time. I left my joins on public to hopefully catch you one day and it came. I said it out loud and then my sister heard and began to press you to leave. it was for the best. lord knows it was for the best but God, do I wish to speak with you. i want to clear the confusion, the heart break, I need closure still but it looks like I've been in mind too. my family saw your best friend on his shift. it was weird but oh well. if you're reading this then let my tell you what happened in 2025.

coming into the year, your number was something that kept sending messages. it was after I sent you messages. every message was long and detailed. it had to be you, it was YOUR number. I dropped off the stuff I never had the chance to give you with notes and drawings? I didn't go to work the next day because the thought of it was regretful, sure enough I got a call from weber state. it was the cop. I lost my debit card at your house that day. I yearned for you but let it be. I told you to never speak to me because so many people told me so much about you. your hest friend when I gave him a ride home mentioning your disgust in my vanilla scent, your past talking stage said you tried talking to her again and then you got touchy. she said that you would constantly shit talk me. I don't blame you. I regret a lot. not long after, I jumped into a relationship with someone who I tried to pretend was you. he wasn't of course. he was a 5'5 cuban, he wasn't the best looking but lord did he have your ways. i let myself be manipulated. i spent over $3,000 on him because I told him I was the type to show love through giving. u can tell he took advantage. i went out often with my siblings or my friends, he would constantly bring me down bc he was insecure. I tried so hard but I wanted only you in the end. i dated him from February up until July. I broke up with him because we had my sister's quince and he said he would be coming so I can introduce him. he never showed and said it's bc he didn't have money to fix himself up. I felt ugly. i didn't feel right, being in the same venue that i tried cutting ties with you in. the moon prop was in the back still. it was my sign to stop with that guy. i know I promised my innocence to you, but I let myself be vulnerable to my ex. I did not enjoy it after the first time bc that's all he ever wanted. he forced me after that, he recorded me and posted it. I fell into shame. I hated everything about it. this all happened when I went to Florida, I was stuck with him there. I cried in my hotel room. it was disgusting bc he said he loved me for the first time when we fucked. I scratched at myself for so long.

not long after, I rekindled with someone I had liked previous to you. it was mindless lust. something so graphic each night slipped between me and him and like nothing happened, he disappeared. I kept entertaining other men to try to fill the void that you created but alas im stuck in a loop just like you. i loved restarting to try to make something happen but it always came to lust. I sexualized myself and got comfortable. I stopped one night after one of my talking stages told me about him and his ex. we cried otp together bc it reminded me of you. he told me about how he slept around and we both came to the conclusion that we needed to lock in. i saw him flip the pages in his book, he got baptized as a catholic not long after and turned to God instead of his temptation. i did the same but just as before, a man fell into my hands. that was my first real date. my friend set me up with him. he even had my live location. I knew I wouldn't see him after the first date. i ghosted him. i felt horrible because he was so nice. he isn't you. it's been you, not an obsession or infatuation. I love you, but only so much. I ended off my year good. I finally speak with my step brothers whom I haven't spoken to in 10 years. a real conversation. I became friends with their friends. I opened myself up to the thought of people coming into my life without expecting something.

but, knowing I can't reach you now, it was like a weird awakening within me. I wish I could have shared so much with you but I've only ever heard things. you might have too. if anything, I loved you better when we were friends. I miss you so much. I wish I could hug you and apologize on my end for letting myself depend on you when you never expected anything out of free will. idk what I showed you that was positive but it gave me hope knowing you were aware that im still here. i lwk sound crazy but I crashed so bad that now im in this place again where I need to journal. idk how but if u ever see this, may God be with you and bless your soul.

i love you skip.