am i a four or an eight?

okay, so here’s the situation. i discovered the enneagram several years ago, and i became extremely passionate about it. i did a deep dive into all of the types, and became certain of my type from my research and from multiple tests telling me the same thing: i was an 8w9. i identified very strongly with it. the core fear, the core desire, the various behavior and attitude fluctuations at different health levels, the sense of having an inner child i needed to protect with my life; it all applied to me. i had no doubt i had typed myself correctly.

fast forward about 4 years, i entered a significantly chaotic and transformative time in my life. during this time (among many other experiences) i had a spiritual awakening and a full on ego death on two separate occasions. i went from being a hardcore atheist to a becoming a deeply spiritual (still not religious) person. i also became quite aware that what limited sense of identity i felt i had before was entirely an illusion and i was not who i thought i was (hard to explain but i imagine some of you will know what i’m talking about).

ever since this time, i have resonated deeply with the qualities of a 4w5 and no longer identify at all with my prior type 8 fundamentals. every time ive taken a test since, i always get the response that i am a type four, and type eight is generally near the bottom of the list. it has been this way for over two years now. the first hand realization and experience of fully recognizing that my identity was a liquidous and constantly adapting construct of the mind and not something that possesses any real rigidity or form that isn’t subject to change was both freeing and more terrifying to me than anything i have ever experienced.

that deep and unresolvable certainty about who/what i am coupled with really coming to terms with my own mortality and general universal insignificance led me to find my old highest concerns and priorities rather silly. i have found that control and power and lust no longer interest me much nor concern me, especially not in comparison to understanding myself, knowing who i am (which ironically i never truly will), and having some sort of personal meaning or significance. as my core fear and desire have seemingly shifted, a great deal of what made up my personality has as well.

long story short, i know our enneagram types aren’t supposed to ever change. but can certain circumstances push us enough to have our cores so shaken that they do change? since the enneagram is rooted in the nature of ego, why couldn’t an ego death experience shift it? was i just a four before who had not realized my true type or wasn’t aware of my actual deepest fear and desire? am i an eight now just having a multi-year crisis and i’ll eventually somehow start to resonate again with a type that i no longer resonate with at all?

i’m curious to hear everyone’s thoughts on the matter. i know also it is relatively common for fours and eights to mistake themselves for the other so it’s a tricky web to navigate. i still love the enneagram even now that i recognize that ego’s are just little unlocatable story tellers that most of us believe we are.