Feel like I’m dying

Idk how to do multiple flairs on my post because its kind of a case where multiple would be more appropriate, but TW for depression and disordered eating. Also maybe medical too. I would love some reassurance as well

So some backstory: I’ve been struggling with an ED (ARFID) for almost 5 years now. Since April 2021. I haven’t gotten better and still feel the same mentally since when the disorder was triggered. Therapy hasn’t worked. My parents are even considering hypnotherapy. Recently (from late 2024 to now), I’ve been feeling different. I feel tired all of the time and I’m never really hungry. Whenever I stand up too quickly my head starts spinning and hurting really bad. I’ve had fainting episodes and have had to go into hospital multiple times because of my low blood pressure and heartrate jumping.

I’ve also been getting weird feelings in my heart. I don’t even know if I can call them palpitations because I don’t even really know what those are. They’re completely random and happen about every day, usually more than once. They’re really scary. I know that sooner or later I’ll feel one and that’ll be it, i just die. Doctors are brushing off these palpitations as anxiety. Maybe they’re right? Whatever they’re from they’re scaring me really bad

My parents have been supporting me thru this ED thing (my dad less so) and of course im grateful for that. But they just dont get it. My dad has this thing he likes to do where he’ll get really frustrated at his job and come home and berate me for not finishing my meals in time saying I just sit on my arse all day and play videogames. He’s kind of scary to be around since on a few occasions hes lashed out and screamed at me because im not doing what he says (once I refused to brush my teeth because I felt exhausted and he started yelling so loud and saying “who the fuck do you think you are” because I didnt listen to my mum when she was threatening me more subtley). Both of them are honestly really exhausting and they stress me out

My dad also likes to remind me that if they werent there to make me eat then I would die. The doctors have told them that my heart is pissed off and suffering and my parents keep telling me that if I don’t eat then I’ll keel over and have a heart attack at any moment. This will probably happen sooner rather than later. I know ill probably die within the next few years and I cant really do anything about that

Also, im starting back at school after the weekend. I live in Aus and we’re getting over 40 degree (104 f) afternoons right now and I’m supposed to be walking home. I haven’t been at school since August last year and I don’t want to go back but i dont have a choice haha. I took the time off because of health scares. I feel worse than what i felt before that break. I really fucking hate school. I don’t have friends. I hate the classes. I have ASD and ADHD and am on medications for the adhd but it does jackshit. Genuinely. The only reason they want me on this medicine is so I shut up about school and how it’s boring and functionally useless past 14 years old. Its just babysitting past that point. Dropping out isnt an option to my parents even tho my dad did at like 13.

That and all of shittiness happening in other countries. At least i dont haveto deal with genocide or not having clean water or being shot while walking down the street. Im in a way better situation than a lot of people out there. Its really depressing out there and its like nobody cares. Governments dont care. Why are we still fighting wars in the 21st century??

I never feel happy anymore. Everyday is a struggle to eat the same foods over and over and find ways to distract myself from my shitty situation. I wish I could start over. Im fucking tired. I dont go out of the house. I dont shower. I just keep eating so my parents and doctors stop nagging. I hope I pass away in my sleep or something. I feel so alone. Ive started praying to God. Im really scared. I want to cry all of the time.

Im dying slowly and its entirely my fault. If i could just start eating again i would. Ive tried so hard. Its been 5 fucking years and im really tired of all of this