Just broke up, venting

I was diagnosed at 20 and am now 37.

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 5 months. I tried to do it last week and half way through I caved. She was hurt and crying so much I felt like my chest was splitting open. How could I do this to her? We agreed to try some changes and for a few high days I was really happy. But it came back. I wasn't connecting with her the same way she was with me. I found myself feeling apathetic or not wanting to make time for her when she has been accommodating, understanding, nurturing and supportive. For me there was just something missing.

When I fell for her it was soft. And as time went on, it didn't grow much further. I didn't feel deep passion and realized I don't think of her as often and the way she thinks about me. Naturally, this flipped back and forth a few times. Once I recognized I wasn't in love the way she was I began to feel very guilty. I knew I had to be honest. I have drug things out before in past relationships, with my bpd leading my head and heart to fight. I would give into the urge to just take it all back or beg for forgiveness. I refuse to do that anymore. To myself or my partner.

I decided I would break it off no matter what this time. After all I used my skills and I took the time to figure it out (while not triggered) and knew its just not quite right for me. So I went through with it. It was awful, but she was wonderful about it. There was a lot of crying.

I started to panic a bit at the end though. The narration in my head started telling me that I am a terrible person for not being able to love her back and that I will be alone forever. I fought it and am still fighting it. The thought is a symptom not who I am. The one though that gets me, at the back of my mind, wonders, what if I can only fall in love with people who aren't healthy and hurt me?

I have truly finally learned to not stay in unhealthy relationships. I can break up with people who I want to be with and are hurting me and that is one of the hardest skills I have ever learned. But walking away just because something just isn't entirely clicking feels like dooming myself to a life of loneliness.

Is living with BPD really going to come down to not having a partner? The interpersonal relationships seem to be one of the symptoms that will never drop away for me. I have come so far in my mental health journey. I have solid housing, income, and insurance after spending time homeless. I have joint custody of my kids and I am always growing to be a better parent. I don't yell anymore, I don't freak out on the dog. I regulate myself pretty damn well and have finally, after over a decade, found meds that actually help. And yet there isn't a friend, hobby, or partner I experience that I don't split on at some point, so part of me worries I have made a terrible mistake.

I know I just did a very hard thing, I made a choice and followed through even though my emotions tried to derail me. Confirmation bias is trying to rationalize why I feel so awful and its making me think dark things about myself. There is no right or wrong answer, just what I choose to do. It still feels awful.