Im sorry

Dear M

Im sorry i reached out even if it was just an apology i truly thought that I could give you closure even though im not the one who left i just wanted you to know that I was truly sorry for the ways I acted the immaturity the selfishness and most of all the overthinking,

I loved talking to you again but the anxiety hurt too much, the hot and cold felt awful not knowing what would come next scared me one second it would be flirtatious the next would be empty and it truly felt like it was only happening on your terms I did my best to match your energy but when I did you would drop it and change the way you messaged you went from wanting cuddles and even mentioned matching pj's and that naps would be better with me but when I agreed you stopped right away and replied with 1 word like yeah or ok you even ignored it when I asked when and it hurt.

I know shouldn't have stopped messaging you out of the blue but I didn't know what else to do I didn't want to say how I felt because I didn't want you to have to deal with me being an emotional wreck and was scared that I would drop and emotional bomb on you that you didn't deserve.

I will always cherish the time we spent together the times were we would cuddle and listen to music or watch marry Poppins was the best time of my life and ill never forget it.

When you told me you did that certain thing with someone else hurt even though it was just a little joke between us I thought it was just between us and hearing you say you did it with someone else tore me apart.

Im running out of words im running out of fake smiles and i don't know how to cope with it I keep trying to bargain with myself but deep down I know its not healthy for us to be together we both ignored talking about the past and why things didn't work and maybe thats a good thing but in my mind we cant skip over the problems and jump into a relationship again without having a real conversation about it if we did it would probably end the same way as last time.

(Im sorry if this makes no sense there's so much idk how put into words)