Really close to just ending everything

I want to die so badly. I can't help feeling this way, and it sucks so much. I'm 17 now and have been feeling this way for at least a few years now. I feel like there's no way of helping myself, and I just want to feel better. I wish that I could be happy, I wish that I could have friends, and I wish that people liked me. I wish everything was different. I genuinely don't understand how people can actually be happy. I see everyone else in my family smiling and being happy while I'm trying my hardest to not wrap my car around a tree. And it doesn't help that I'm treated as if I'm not allowed to have emotions. Every time I'm slightly distanced and not pretending to be happy, I get screamed at for being "disrespectful", even when I wasn't rude to anyone. I don't have anyone to talk to, and I have no one that I can trust with anything. If my parents found out that i liked women and didn't believe in Christianity, I would be even more of the "messed up and weird" child than they already think I am. I am constantly ignored, and it hurts. I feel so inferior compared to my sister. She's a bit younger and has everything put together already, and I just feel stuck with no where to go. I'm not a bad person, people just find me annoying. I can't help it, though. People see me constantly making sure they're okay as pushy and weird, when I really just want to make sure that they're okay. Then I ended up homeschooled with no friends and an unsupporting family. I'm just ready for it to be over. I don't even really know why I even put all of this stuff here. I guess it's just because at least one person might read it. To me, that feels better than no one knowing how I truly feel at all. Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do at this point. I've gotten to where the slightest things make me so unreasonably angry. I'll go hide somewhere and claw myself up, hit myself, just anything to make it feel better. I'm just tired. It doesn't help that I was forcibly taken off of the only medication that made me feel somewhat normal and helped with my anxiety some due to me "being depressed and disrespectful" as if the medication was the reason for me being slightly upset and not being relentlessly screamed at. I don't even remember what was really said in the yelling. I just kind of blocked it all out. I only remember being really shaky, and I couldn't see from the tears in my eyes. I'm so tired of all of it, I just want them to lose a child and see how they feel. I want them to feel sick, and I want them to feel sad, and I want them to regret the way that they treat me. I just want to be seen for once, and I feel like killing myself is the only way to get that. The thought of doing it doesn't even scare me anymore, it just feels like a craving. I remember about a week ago, I just got the random urge to hurt myself for the first time with seemingly no reason. The other times had reasons. I don't even care about doing it in hidden places anymore.