My ex committed suicide. I feel so guilty.

My ex girlfriend often threatened suicide when I would try to leave, and my care for her brought be back multiple times. It was a very toxic, emotionally abusive two year long relationship. It got to the point that I saw it as a manipulation tactic, but shes gone. I loved her, and I care for her regardless of what she put me through, she was my best friend for so long.

A week ago she was insulting me through text after I told her I didn't have the strength to be there for her, I was making space and we hadn't seen eachother for about a week. My mother was in the hospital due to heart problems and my plate was just full.

She called me a child, told me I was selfish, said that my mother wasn't dying so I shouldn't have been so focused on her, she said many hurtful things, and I just had enough. I simply asked her to be safe, told her I just couldn't handle it, and left. I focused on my own mental health and on my family.

I dont know what to do with the thought that I was likely the last person to hear her laugh. She shone so brightly when she smiled. She was complex, she had these mannerisms that I adored, but she was so, so mean at times. I feel childish saying it that way but I don't know how else to.

I'm aware that she was never mentally stable, in our first year together I saved her life when she attempted. I was aware that I should have left, but I was honestly in love. Maybe I was blinded, I just cared so much for her. I feel stupid. I feel so guilty. I feel confused. People have told me I was never the bad guy, but there were times she insisted I was the one dragging her down. That I was the manipulative one. She called me narcissistic, only after I told her out of concern that she should talk to her therapist about potential narcissistic behaviors that were hurting both her and I. I know these things, and I think I know what's true, that she was a mentally unstable woman who unhealthily kept me as her sole anchor, but she told me that she felt safest with me just a day before I left, and I took that safety away.

This is a ramble I might end up deleting. I just wanted to type it out and send it into the void. Any advice on how to manage this would really be appreciated.