Sex

I am someone that leans towards the top and more dominant roles when it comes to sex. Not always, but I would say maybe idk 67% (😛😛😛🥵🥵🥵😛😛😛) jk jk but um yeah actually roughly 60% or 70% of the time I actually want to top/ be dominant and I remember being younger before I had any sexual interactions with other actual people and I was just so comfortable with sex. I'd get off to whatever is wanted, whether I wanted to be submissive or dominant or top or bottom, anything. Usually I tended towards topping and being more dominant, but I also enjoyed other things sometimes. When I started to have sexual interactions with others, it became clear that all anybody wants from me is to fuck me in the pussy and top me and be dominant with me. Even the dominant part isn't the problem I just mainly want to top, and actually top. It drives me fucking nuts when I'm like "I wanna top" and theyre like "u can ride me!" Sybau you know damn well what I fucking meant bro I wanna strap you bro. Now, I think I force myself sometimes to get off on the idea of bottoming, even when it makes me uncomfortable. And when I'm actually into it, it brings so much shame to me. When I get off on the idea of topping I feel like I'm faking or like I'm not a real top and I also get sad because I think that nobody will ever want me to fuck them in the ass. I feel like Im constantly betraying myself, entering sexual interactions with people who I know will not understand or respect me just because I want to feel something. I used to not call topping "using a strap" because I just considered my strap my dick. Now I say pegging/strapping. It's a small change but it undermines my masculinity in my eyes, referring to my own body like that. I am afraid that I will never be able to be happy having sex, and that the moment someone finds out I'm trans they'll want me to take their dick in my pussy. I would honestly be down to take dick in my pussy about 30-40% of the time if I felt like it was my choice, but as it is currently, it just feels like something I have to do to get any attention at all. Even when I am enjoying it, I'm still deep down not enjoying it.

I had a dream where I had another trans guy and I was holding him down and humping his ass. I didn't have a dick in the dream, but it didnt matter. He understood me, and he saw me, and he was letting me take his body and fuck him and he was moaning so beautifully and he was enjoying what I was doing. It was one of the best sex dreams I've ever had because I felt so comfortable and so right. I'm worried that sex will never really feel that way for me. In all honestly, I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. But right now, I'm still figuring it out, and it kinda sucks.

Thanks for reading!