Why wasn't I good enough?

I’m 20 years old and was in a 3-year relationship with a girl I’ve known since the 5th grade. I had been in love with her for years, and we shared a very deep connection. She was the only person who really had my back. My family situation was never easy – my mom was emotionally absent, my dad was abusive, and my brother had a drug problem. She knew everything and was always there for me when I needed someone. No one ever meant as much to me as she did. I know I was often complicated and disrespectful toward her, but she always stayed by my side.

In the first few months, everything was perfect. I wanted to make her happy, so I bought her flowers every week and showed her how much I appreciated her. But eventually, her behavior started to change. She wouldn’t reply for days, and I started worrying. When she finally messaged me back, she said she had just been busy. But from that point on, I could feel something was off. Communication became less frequent, there was more fighting, and she started pulling away. Eventually, we decided to break up. That was the moment when I fell into a really dark place.

Soon after, my parents divorced, we moved into a tiny apartment, and I isolated myself more and more. I couldn’t go to school anymore and just stayed in my room. I felt like I had nothing left in life. With the help of friends and therapy, I slowly started to get back on track. But she was still in my head. I tried to distract myself by dating other girls, but none of them could compare to her.

So, I reached out to her again, and she responded kindly. But every time I tried to get closer, she would pull away. She didn’t share much with me anymore, not even things like the name of her dog. I couldn’t understand why. We stayed in contact for about a year, but there were still a lot of misunderstandings and arguments. I tried to fix things, but she always stayed distant.

One time, after a big fight, I apologized and told her I was trying to be a better person. She said she wasn’t interested in continuing the relationship. I begged her not to break up with me, but she blocked me everywhere. I felt like I was falling into the same deep hole I had been in after the breakup.

Now, a week later, I feel like I’m back where I started. I can’t imagine my life without her, and this emptiness is driving me crazy. I have no one who means as much to me as she does, and I don’t know how to cope with this pain.