I'm best friends with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend and it's killing me.

Before I begin, this is a long, pretty niche situation. I will try my best to be thorough but concise as I'm aware this will be a lot of information at once. For privacy, everyone involved has their names changed.

I (23F) and my ex-boyfriend Matt (29M) broke up in October 2025. We were together for 4 months. I fell pregnant and decided to terminate. Matt said he was okay with my decision but then later told me he wasn't okay with it after we had broken up. Our demise was lack of communication, his past haunting his present connections (his ex's all cheated on him) and his friends (whom met me the same time he met me) were in his ear the whole time during our relationship essentially trying to sabotage us. The whole thing was pretty messy. I took my time to heal and move on. I have healthily closed this chapter.

Enter Jen (23F), Matt met her at a bar the day after he broke up with me. From what she's told me, she didn't speak to him for two weeks after due to embarrassment (apparently her drink got spiked while they were out, he had to help her get home and she was in really bad shape etc). During those two weeks, Matt and I slept together once. I had asked him if he had been with anyone since we ended. He said no. I was under the impression he wanted to try again with me as we had a huge debrief about our relationship and he said he wanted to fix things, all of that just to wake up the next morning and tell me he didn't remember a thing. God, just re-living this in my head to type this out-- I shake my head at how naive I was. I digress. So two days after we slept together, I basically told him to shove it up where the sun don't shine, to never speak to me again and blocked him everywhere.

About a week later, he shows up with Jen to the local pub I work at. I didn't know who she was but I didn't come down in the last shower either. They weren't touchy but I knew there was something going on. It felt like a gut-punch everytime I saw them come in together (because, of course he would, why not right? screw me). They left together to go to a friend's birthday dinner that I was also invited to. At this point, the breakup was still heavy, I had so many unresolved feelings for him. I finished my shift and went to this dinner. Jen, Matt and all of our friends were there. I'm not proud of the way I was that night but I'll own it. I couldn't for the life of me hide that I still loved him. I was trying to make small talk, sit not too close but not too far from him. I was a really heartbroken girl and just stopped caring about social norms. I wouldn't say I was threatened by Jen but I know back then I saw her as competiton. Yes, it was petty of me. I got really drunk with everyone that night and if any Aussie's are reading this, someone played Eagle Rock at one point so there was a moment where we were all dancing with no pants on. I'm cringing thinking about it. I feel bad for myself, looking back she (myself) was just so scared and hurt. I was hanging on to a bird that just wanted to fly away but I couldn't let go. I went home alone that night, just for the record, nothing else worth noting.

The next time I saw them was that weekend. They were at the bar, I was working. She would come in and get his and her drinks so he didn't have to speak to me (tbh at least he listened to my request of not speaking to me). At the end of my shift, Jen comes up to me and asks if she could buy me and drink and have a 'chat'. Not a fan of confrontation so I was sweating balls. The conversation wasn't that scary. She sat me down and told me she felt that I was competing with her, asked about my and Matt's relationship and overall was pretty straight-forward about it. I respect her for it honestly. I told her the overall summary and included the date of the last time we slept together with proof. She told me he LIED to her and said that we hadn't slept together since the last time before we broke up. So she confronted him seperately. HE LIED AGAIN. Then she came back to me, brought him with and asked me to repeat what I said. Only then, did he admit the truth. So for the rest of that night, Jen and I hung out, got to know each other and you could say we became friends. And if you're curious, yes, she looks like me. Tall, blonde, tan, tattoos, rough personality and bisexual.

Fast forward to December 2025. I was singing at one of my gigs. Jen, Matt and Jen's mother showed up. Jen and I had a few drinks together while I was on my half-time break. Matt put a lot of distance between us. He sat alone most of the time or was with his friends. He kept saying to her that he was fine with her being friends with me and that it 'needs to happen'. For someone who does a lot of it, the man sucks at lying. I had a great time with her and her mum. That night ended in me comforting her (something I didn't know I would do a lot of in the future) because he essentially threw a tantrum like a toddler because we were 'not including him'. I had told her and him many times that I don't care if he hangs around us. It was a lot of back and forth. I think he was afraid she was gonna leave him for me. He was just being an avoidant litte shit. I made sure she was okay before I left. She apologised multiple times for the whole situation and said she was gonna pull back from him for a bit.

Spoiler alert: she didn't.

Start of January this year, I hadn't spoken much to her until I was invited to an after party. At this point, Jen and Matt are officially together I just didn't know yet. Matt and I are back on friend's terms, I figured the high road was just easier than the petty road especially if I'm gonna be friends with his girlfriend. Funnily enough, he's more tolerable as a friend than a boyfriend. At this party, I was sitting with her when someone brought up Jen and Matt being together. I asked genuinely if they were together now and Jen sheepishly held up THE RING ON HER FINGER (supposedly a promise ring). I told her it was fine (not in a 'you have my blessing' way but in a 'no it's fine, im happy for you guys' way). It was shocking though, I guess I just didn't expect it. Jen could tell I was trying to supress my old emotions but I had to excuse myself. I took a moment to just chill out and process. I think I was more upset about the fact that I thought I had moved on and was fine now, I was really upset that I let some little piece of metal stunt my healing. Healing ain't linear, y'all. After that, that whole night Jen and I found out one of our friends, Stacy (32F), was in both of our ears trying to pit us against each other (literally, she was in my ear saying that Jen is using Matt and she's an alcoholic etc etc just shit talking, meanwhile she'd go to Jen and say I'm trying to steal Matt back and that I'm manipulative). Insane night. So, Jen, Matt and I decided to leave together and go to Matt's place to debrief about everything going on. We all gained a lot respect for each other and apparently I was the only person in their life to say they're a good match (which is what I did believe at that point) and they were grateful to hear that coming from me of all people.

Moving on to about a week later. I considered myself good friends with Jen & Matt. Before I continue, I need to preface that Jen and I had a lot of tension between us. I find her very attractive and this wasn't her first time having a third in her relationship. After A LOT of communicating between us three, yes, we all had a night together. Before you make your judgement, it was mainly Jen and I. Jen wanted Matt to be there. I have no feelings for Matt. Matt and I didn't touch each other (other than kissing that was prompted and consented by Jen). We all talked a lot that night and none of us regretted it. Happy to all be friends. We all agreed that there was no expecting this to happen again but not limited to a one time thing--it was mainly a thing that would happen if the moment came again. To save you the intimate details, it happened again about a week later, same sorta vibes as the first time except Jen wanted Matt to go downtown on me iykwim, to which he was hesitant but went for it for a few seconds before I called a checkpoint because I wanted to make sure we were all still good (just communication things so no one felt unheard or underminded). The night ended on a good note.

A couple days later, I asked Jen to come out for lunch with me. During this, she told me that turns out Matt was never okay with any of it and that it was really getting him (apparently he didn't remeber going down on me and when I and Jen confirmed he did do it, he felt he had betrayed her, even though she was right there when it happened). They decided to call off the 'fun'. I was fine with it, I never wanted to be a homewrecker and we did agree that there was no expecting it to happen again, stictly a vibe thing. Jen said it had impacted their s*x life negatively so I said 'no hard feelings, I'd rather you guys be okay with the fun with me than have one person be uncomfortable and still do it for my own pleasure.'

And now we get to present day. Jen and I are best friends and I'm really worried about her. We went out for drinks a couple nights ago so she could get out of the house. In the message she sent me when she asked me to come out, she explicitly said "Would you be keen for some drinks this afternoon if Matt is okay with me going?" Immediately I flagged that in my head. We get there and she's venting to me about the shit that's happened with her and Matt during the last couple weeks. I don't want to air out their dirty laundry but to summarise: his alcoholism is at its peak. He's accusing her of controlling him while in reality its him. I gently brought up the language she used in the text and in her words as she was venting and how many signs of coersive control there are right now. I asked if she's okay. She couldn't really answer. She knows it's bad but she's stuck on how much her family loves him. He speaks to her so horribly in public. My heart aches for her because I know that feeling all too well. I told her it starts with 'if he lets me go to the pub' and turns into 'if he lets me see you'. I could tell she's not happy, she's scared. He showed up to the pub that night to pick her up (she hadn't asked him to come) and they started arguing. I gave them some space before I came back to find her crying and him getting a drink. I comforted and grounded her. She was having a panic attack. He tried to leave but she got on the front of his ute so he couldn't drive. I made sure to stay and witness everything so nothing bad happened. He called her a manipulative b*tch and petty sl*t before kicking his tire and walking away into the dark. At this point, the pub was closing. Jen was a mess and Matt was pissed. We were out the front of the pub and she threw her phone on the road, which prompted him to come up to us and ask her what this is. She stayed quiet and he kept asking. Still nothing so he raised his voice AND STOMPED HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER. I couldn't help but giggle at the motion. He shook his head, muttered something, went and grabbed her phone, gave it back before she threw it again. They got in a screaming match until I decided I had seen enough. I told him to just go. He left and she cried that he abandoned her. At that point I couldn't do the delicate thing anymore. I gave her the cold hard facts and that what is happening is wrong, not healthy and definitely not love. It was hard to get her to come with me, she's stubborn like me. But I said 'what kind of friend would I be if I just watched your man leave you here and let myself do the same thing?". Eventually I got her back to his place (trust me, I didn't want to take her there but she was threatening to jump out of the car if I took her to my house as she was scared he would get even more mad). I felt sick to my stomach as I drove away. I felt like I had just taken a puppy back to the very place where I found it after someone dumped it.

The next day (yesterday as I'm writing this), she messaged me to ask if I'm working and said "Matt has decided he wants to come in for a drink and “make a statement”, he doesn’t want any shit talk about the fight last night apparently, so probably glad you're not here." I asked what she meant by 'make a statement'. She said "Make it clear to everyone to leave it alone pretty much, I don’t even fucking know. Looks to me like he knows where he went wrong and doesn’t want anyone thinking we aren’t good at the moment but last night we did our absolute best not to make a scene, no one even knew until I started crying and barely anyone was there then so fucks me what he wants."

And that's pretty much it.

Overall, I know it's up to her to save herself. I've said what I can with what she gave me. I think Matt is an immature, arrogant, egotistical man child. I love Jen. I'll continue to give her my support where it's needed but I had to get this all off my chest.

TIA, peace & love.