I don't even know if I'm trans

As the title says, I don't even know if I'm trans

I first started thinking I could be trans when I was around 14. I don't remember what kind of shitty day I had, but I remember it ended up with me laying down in bed, wishing I could wake up as a woman, or anybody other than me. This went on for a week before I got over it. I'm not sure if that was because I'm trans, or if I'm just a failure as a dude, and was looking for "out".

I'm not sure if I would consider myself dysphoric either. I've been lurking this and other trans subs for a while now and I've seen a lot of people talking about the disgust they feel towards their bodies and genitals, and to be honest, I can't really relate all too much. I'm totally fine with touching myself, and I don't feel sick when I look at myself. Not sure if this is related, but I feel that the "me" in my head, and the "me" I see in the mirror are just two different people. Extremely unrelated, but I think I have OCD (not diagnosed, so I might just be stupid).

The most "dysphoric" I could say I've felt is wishing that I could be a girl (I know this looks like a really fucking obvious answer to my question, but I was thinking this at a time where I was depressed, and was just hating "me" in general), and experience what it would be like to live as one. I've tried on dresses before, and it felt nice to wear, but it wasn't the "gender euphoria- wowie, this is who I really am!" type of feeling that a lot of other people talk about. It feels normal to wear male clothing, but I'm not sure how I would describe wearing womans clothing. I guess I just get the appeal of making myself look pretty for me.

I know this is probably the worst place to be asking this, and a really dumb fucking thing to post in a trans subreddit, but please don't make fun of me for making this post. I've been constantly thinking of this shit on and off for years, and I just want someone who talk to who wouldn't just tell me to find allah (I have a islamic homophobic transhphobic fucking everything phobic famly). Just call me some dumbass larper and ban me if you guys don't think I'm trans.