Betrayed (37M): Found continued contact + she (31F) gave him my ADHD meds. Trickle-truth won’t stop. How do you rebuild trust?

I’m 37M (betrayed partner) and my partner is 31F. Together almost 9 years, 2 young kids. I’m not trying to leave my family or find someone else. I still love her. I’m trying to figure out whether reconciliation is possible when honesty keeps arriving in pieces and only after pressure.

Context:

For years I felt like I was the one pushing for emotional closeness and hard conversations. When I raised concerns I often got “you’re overthinking,” “you’re asking too much,” or “I’ll try,” with inconsistent follow-through. I also own that during the hardest period of building my business (to support us), I was exhausted and not always emotionally available.

Things improved:

About a year ago our relationship genuinely got better. She helped more, communication and intimacy improved, and I felt hope for the first time in a long time.

Where trust broke:

In Sept 2025 we experimented with a consensual threesome with clear boundaries. Afterward she became emotionally distant and cold. When I tried to talk I was told I was “needy” or “overthinking.”

Later I discovered she’d been talking privately with the other person almost daily, including long hidden calls. She admitted she tried to meet him alone and that he declined. That broke my trust badly, but I stayed because I wanted to repair and believed we could rebuild.

The second blow:

Despite us improving after giving her a second-chance, in Jan 2026 I found out there had been another message with the same person months later. She said she deleted it and “didn’t remember.” When I contacted him, he blocked me. Only when I said I may need to be honest with his partner about what I knew did my partner finally said she’d “tell me everything.”

She then admitted something that shocked me: she had secretly taken my prescribed ADHD medication and given it to him because he was struggling. She said it happened many times but couldn’t say exactly how many or when it started/ended.

I appreciated the honesty in that moment, but the next day when I asked follow-up questions (timeline, frequency, when it ended) she said she “couldn’t remember” and asked why I was “digging into it.”

Why I’m stuck:

I can’t rebuild trust if the truth only comes out after discovery/pressure and then becomes vague again. I’m not trying to punish her. I’m trying to feel emotionally safe and to know what’s real.

I've left home until I feel safe enough to return until we can resolve this.

The pattern that’s killing reconciliation:

• Concerns minimized unless I press.
• Details “forgotten,” vague, or only admitted after discovery.
• Boundaries are labeled “controlling” when I ask for clarity.
• After big conflict things improve, then avoidance returns.

What I need advice on:

1. What does reasonable disclosure look like in a situation like this? Is it fair to request a written timeline of contact + what was hidden?
2. How do I hold a boundary like “no reconciliation without full truth” without turning into an interrogator or escalating fights?
3. If she claims she “can’t remember” key details, what’s a healthy way to respond?
4. What are realistic repair steps that actually rebuild trust (therapy types, transparency expectations, no-contact, etc.)?

TL;DR: Long-term relationship with kids. After a consensual threesome, partner secretly maintained frequent hidden contact with the third and tried to meet him alone. Months later there was more contact, and she later admitted she repeatedly gave him my prescribed ADHD meds but won’t provide a clear timeline. I want reconciliation, but honesty keeps coming in pieces and then gets deflected. I need a plan for disclosure and boundaries that isn’t “controlling.”