[tw: CSA] how do i feel at peace when my abuser got to violate me without legal consequences

i dont want therapy or coping strategies anymore. weed doesnt make the thoughts of him go away. drinking makes it worse. opioids remind me of the comfort he gave me.

being tired. plaid. barbie. velma. piano. my favourite video game. my favourite animal. 1000s of other things. all make me think of him. he spread his disorder over every aspect of my life. my feelings of safety and comfort are surgically attached to his memory and i want to scream so loud that you can hear it in the next town over. do not fucking tell me to go to therapy while he gets away with it all. HES STILL OUT THERE. HE IS CAPABLE OF MONSTROUS THINGS. he destroyed me and made me responsible for the irreparable harm. he walked away as the tragic victim of a fucking 14 year old girl.

i dont hate him. i cannot hate him no matter how hard i try. please god just let me feel what i need to feel. and then kill me so i dont need to experience it.

i love my abuser and i wish he could continue to exploit and abuse me.

thats all i want. i want his abuse again. it was warm and soft. fuck i hate myself