I have something triggering playing right now and for whatever reason my dumbass is hiding inside reddit instead of turning it off when it's totally in my power to do so

I don't know why I do this, but I do. I seek out movies or written works I expect to trigger me and I watch or read them. Right now, it's a video playing in another tab as I type. To be fair, I didn't go into this one with triggering myself in mind. It kinda surprised me but now that it has, I can't turn it off. I'm listening to the audio instead of watching it and I'm typing this post to distract myself from the fact that I'm getting triggered really bad. I do this about once a month or so, usually when I'm feeling like I need to prove myself. I can't even leave my apartment, but I can read really upsetting fanfiction and be fine. Sometimes I don't get triggered, sometimes I get mildly triggered and calm myself down and view it as a win. Sometimes I get really really triggered and feel the need to hide in my other tabs but no matter what, I can't turn it off. Because that's quitting and I don't give up. But my inability to give up is seriously hurting me right now. I just wish I could stop doing this, and do something that actually helps me. Going to a restauraunt and not freaking out because the table doesn't have a clear view of the entire place or hearing a man's voice and not melting on the spot. Those would be real victories, but I can't seem to do that. So I manufacture problems that I can overcome because I need to feel like I'm making progress when I'm not. I'm completely stagnant and stuck.

I'm a broken person. But I can and will glue myself back together. I'm not expecting anyone else to understand this logic, but someone please tell me they do something similar so I don't feel like a freak.