Venting, I suppose

Some background: my wife (LLF 34) and I (HLM 29) have been married for almost nine years. There was some sex in the beginning, but it's admittedly hard to remember, as the bedroom has been very dead for the last eight or so years. We might have sex twice a year, if I'm lucky, and even then it's 50/50 whether it ends in a climax. We don't have kids, and I'm the financial provider in the home.

But it isn't just the lack of sex that bothers me, but also the lack of intimacy or touch that I don't directly initiate or request. We've had talks multiple times about it, and after the latest talk, they've hugged me or given me a few quick kisses of their own choice. On one hand, that's a big win for me, but it's bittersweet because there's an almost unwilling awkwardness to it and paired "jokes" about how the affection is "an obligation". They assure me, of course, that they're just jokes, but it truly feels like there's a kernel of truth there.

I really love them, and I don't doubt that they love me back. I've seen them do things that prove they care, but I don't feel wanted/desired, and that's painful.

They say that they're bad with social cues, and struggle to notice any attempts at getting closer. So, I've tried to more actively and diligently initiating contact, affection, and even sex. But these attempts are met with pulling away, turning away, pushing me back, blocking my face, frustrated huffs, etc. Pushing past these obvious signs of unwillingness makes me feel gross, and kills my own desire to be nearer. It's a kind of constant rejection that has a crushing weight to it.

I've also tried the opposite: withdrawing and initiating less physical affection. And while the pain is less acute without that constant rejection, the void left by that lack of connection gnaws at me a little more each day. What's worse is that my wife seemingly never even notices that I stop trying. Maybe they're relieved, even, I don't know.

Both paths are uncomfortable, and so I find myself flipping between them throughout the years when the specific flavor of agony grows to be too much and I seek a change.

They're my best friend. No one understands me quite like they do. They're one of a kind. The idea of divorce guts me because I just can't imagine being with anyone else. But when I think about my marriage and the things I'm missing in life, sometimes I think it would be easier to have my needs met by a stranger than my wife, and the thought alone breaks my heart.

I've seen people recommended non-monogamy, but the thought of my wife being with someone else - especially after all this rejection - makes me nauseous just to think about.

I'm not really sure what to do. Life feels difficult with this cloud hanging over me. Thinking about it at all can have me spiral and up all night crying. But ignoring it leaves me empty in a different way. Either way, my heart feels heavy.

I was initially writing this to see what new advice I could get. But it sort of ended up a directionless rant, and I guess that's fine too.