worried

last fall was going good for me until all my leads ran dry. got into a major depressive episode and didn’t like where college was going. (it was paid for by my family, <2000$). i dropped out first semester to move across the country to my partner to find new opportunities because i knew i ran out of them in my home state. i got that funded too by my uncle. his conditions for me were to finish the semester but the time he told me that it was too late. i couldn’t muster up the courage to tell him either so i lied which was stupid of me to do

a month passes and i’m moved in and my grandmother who i have a rocky relationship with presses me about seeing my transcripts. i can tell she wants confirmation that i finished the semester so i fake a screenshot and send it to her so she can have peace of mind. don’t know if it truly worked but she let off.

i call her a couple weeks later to let her know about a trade school i want to enroll in, she pressed me about if it is a sustainable job (billing and coding) and when i say yes she tells me she doesn’t think i know what sustainable living is and some other stuff that was hurtful. i let it go but tell her i need space from her to think about it.

i left my car in my home state, my uncle and grandparents are buying it from me. my grandparents are sending me 6k and my uncle is sending me 3k. he was supposed to send it yesterday so i ask him about it and he says he will send me the money but we need to talk first. i ask about what, he says “a couple of things… you’ll still get the money though. i’ll call you tomorrow…”

idk what to expect at this point. it could be anything. he tells me a lot of things. he could be upset about what i told my grandmother even though i asked her to keep it between us she’s bad at hiding her emotions and lets things slip a lot. i could tell he knew something today because he told me “i don’t know what’s going on between you and grandma”…

she sent me my things in the mail too. it was 400$ which im just going to pay her back with the money i get from the car. it’s whatever.

i know im a huge piece of shit. i’m 19 years old and a huge failure already! my uncle could tell me that he found out i dropped out of college and doubled down hard on the lies.. he could tell me off about the thing with my grandma.. it could be about the car…. i just wish people would be straightforward instead of just putting me on the spot in phone calls. that’s how the whole side of that family is. they love to call. they love to confront and blind sight you. it’s just how they are.

maybe i should just calm down. he said im getting the money anyway but id still like to have a good relationship with that side of the family.

i haven’t had a job in over a year. i don’t know when ill get back to school. i’m trying but it feels like the world just keeps throwing shit at me.