is my life over before it even started?

i’m black, seventeen and female. since i was 13, i’ve dealt with constant bullying at school. it wasn’t just verbal either. i’ve been bullied physically and verbally by people at school, including people i thought were my friends. i was picked on for how i looked, how i spoke, and my personality. at the same time, my dad and stepfamily were verbally and physically abusive. nobody believed me or wanted to listen, so i went through all of it alone. i’ve never felt like i truly belonged anywhere.

freshman year of high school i tried to give myself a chance. i joined multiple clubs and sports, but i was underperforming, bullied, and eventually dropped from everything. i ended up eating lunch with my school counselor and stopped going to school second semester because my depression got so bad. i failed most of my classes.

after that, i switched to online school. i made friends on and off, but those relationships never lasted. i tried getting closer to family, but they eventually distanced themselves too. even when people were around, i still felt lonely because i was always left out or treated like an afterthought. during this time, i was on my third therapist and nothing seemed to help.

last year i tried going back to in person school, but my anxiety was so bad that i had to return to online again. my friends bullied me for it and told me they were going to replace me, which made everything worse. not long after, i was put on lexapro, my first antidepressant.

around march i started to feel hopeful. i was keeping up with school and got a job. i worked there for a few months before getting fired for underperforming. it shocked me, but i didn’t want to give up, so i applied for another job and got hired. i lost that one a month later for the same reason.

around that time, my friendships and family relationships were already rocky. when i tried to go to them for comfort, they were rude and dismissive. by october 2025, i completely broke down. i was crying, not responding to messages, and struggling badly. instead of support, they dropped me because it was too much for them. family already distanced themselves by that summer anyway.

after that, i stopped doing schoolwork. i stopped taking care of myself. my hygiene fell off. i barely had the energy to do anything. seeing other people posting senior photos, going to events, and living their lives while im stuck me feel even worse.

from age 13 until now, i’ve genuinely tried everything. journaling. four different therapists. six medications for my mental health. jobs. hobbies. friends. family. the gym. going outside. religion .eating better. vacations. shopping. limiting negative voices. if you can think of it, i’ve probably tried it. nothing worked.

now it’s january, and idk . i don’t know what else to do. i’ve given up on myself. i don’t know what’s going to happen to me or how i’ll be in the future

maybe im dramatic but ive tried and lows are really lows for me, the devil made my mind he’s playground