What is this

6 years together. Off and on. 6 years living together. I moved in before he officially asked me to be his gf the night of his dad's wedding. That was probably 4 of sharing a space. FFWD to 2020 our 1st born is welcomed. In between 2020 and 2022 there are abortions mandated and miscarriages uncalled for. Flashback to 2020, my father dies of cancer, meanwhile I'm 5 month's pregnant. FFWD to 2022 I dove into alcohol and lost myself. Od'ed on accident and the medics brought me back. 2026. The in between is a blur. I can't sleep. Baby #2 was welcomed the same day as the 1st in 2024. 2026. Today. Jan.16 I ended it a while back. Always did. Somehow our connection feels the same. Which proved me right. Nothing changed. Just the title. I trust him to an extent. I love him to an extent. I fear him most of all. He makes me nervous and idk why. At one point he was my peace. My safety, but now I wait for him to leave for work so I can rest. I reflect back on the past and can admit I also wasnt the best, but I question...why stay if he didn't love me.