I need to vent

Well hello, first of all my apologies, english is not my first or second language. I had been all my teen years with anorexia, then kinda cured but now, at 19/20 my grandma died from cancer in october and just after i got into a very physically demanding job, since that day i have had a big problem binge eating, i couldn't stop but also i didn't care. Everyday at 3 am i could eat a whole pannettone and a bowl of milk by myself and still not be full, then a bowl of cereals, then breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner, and always a bowl of milk with honey before sleeping. Every day the same till today. Obviously i've gained a lot of weight but i didn't notice, like my mind was messing with me, i've started having problems entering my pants and my mind just keep telling me to don't worry, that i have a fast metabolism and my pants just may have gotten smaller... But yeah today I was trying to dance, i loved dancing but I stopped moving all these months. And trying to move i just got drained, bored, i didn't enjoy it and i was like "what the fuck is happening to me" so i looked at a few videos dancing from months ago where my body can be seen and then, i recorded myself in the same angles and holy shit. Honestly my mind keeps forgetting i've changed and to just don't care but i've told myself that today every night im going to do at least 40 minutes of intense cardio (i can handle it so don't worry about that, i used to do way more) and to just eat less, if i can about breakfast and eat a good lunch and dinner and THAT'S IT. I'm going to try to be strong and i'm so ashamed, this never happened to me before and I feel so bad, so miserable and ugly, i want to cry but I also can't... There's a lot going on honestly, i still i'm not over of my grandma's death or any of this shit so, i guess i'm here searching for support. Thanks for reading me.