I am just profoundly confused and don't know how to handle my own brain and memories (or lack therof)

This a rant/I don't know what to do anymore any advice on how to deal with this or just maybe asking if anyone can relate and did manage to heal, I don't even know...

Triggers: mentions of religious stuff, emotional abuse, sexual fear (nothing in depth, but take care of yourself🫶)

First time posting here, long time reader. Just want to preface this by saying: I am in therapy, I am even doing trauma-therapy rn but I do not have a formal CPTSD diagnosis. Did ask my therapist about it, but she just gave me a more vague answer about how it does not matter at this point in treatment since PTSD and CPTSD are treated fairly similiarly (at least at the stage we were at, so exploration of the past, trying to piece together what is even going on) but she would be honest with my if she had an assesment.

Well, I asked her without even remembering bigger parts of my childhood, let alone having questioned them. I always stold by "I had a great childhood. Yes, I was traumatized by my peers, but my family was great." I was really just observing my symptoms and thinking they were a little strange for "just PTSD", not to mention I knew I was traumatized over several years, but I could never point to JUST ONE instance. It was the bulk of it that broke me in the end.

I have a friend with CPTSD (although in her case it is very easy to understand why if she just talks a little bit about her childhood...) and we just get each other. I tell her a lot of my "irrational" feelings, struggles with just being alive and having relationships with people, dissociative symptoms, and she understands. So at some point, she told me "hey, don't want to rattle you or anythings, but do you think you might have CPTSD?". Ridiculous I thought, not like I was in a war or SAed or anything, no. And then the memories came back. Very weird experience. Because it's not like I "forgot" them. When I "remembered" I was of course certain, that these things happened. But I hadn't thought about them for years!

So I went from "Everyone was shit to me as a child except my family" to "I was raised so fundamentalist catholic, that people around me thought it was a cult, I was constantly fighting myself because I was told I was posessed instead of the adults in my life realizing I was simply mentally ill and them not getting me f***ing meds for that because that would seperate me from God and suffering was a virtue and then they told me I was chosen by God and thats why I suffer all the time I should be thankful really, my family wasn't soooo amazing and we were all friends we were simply enmeshed to a degree were I couldn't be a child but was a therapist/best friend/motherfigure to my own mother sometimes even trying to compensate for the lack of emotional understanding from my father, my father was mostly a good father when he was there but also really absent because of work, both my parents were unstable and would scream at me for being too emotional because it overwhelmed there very lacking regulation skills exhasperated by the fact that they had to raise an ADHD (possibly also autistic) child and had their own baggage and terrible parents." withing maybe half a year or less. I know that's a mothful, sorry

The thing is, I feel like it never ends. All this did was teach me, that every feeling I have has a cause, even if that cause isn't straightforward all the time. After years of pushing them down, they are all bubbling to the surface now after moving out and feelings safe in a different city away from my bullies and other trauma. And I am scared of what's still in there. I know I get triggered by certain things, I spiral, feel anger, intense fear and disgust but I don't know why. That makes it worse.

I had a heart to heart talk with an older friend of mine about sexual intimacy, how bad the general education about that is and his journey reading into all the bits and pieces for the sake of his ex-girlfriend. Nothing too graphic, he knows I am highly uncomfortable with these topics, so he would always check in and ask if I was ok with certain topics, even though I asked about them to begin with.

And then came the spiral. Couldn't sleep until 6 in the morning, because I was just so convinced there must be a reason why I feel so shitty about this topic. What if I forgot? What if something actually did happen and I will be hit with the memories some day? I don't know if I could handle it. But the the feelings are there. Sure, could be due to a combination of other things, I know that, especially with religious/culty brainwashing involved. But how do I convince myself to stop digging and just giving myself a break from trying to forcefully uncover my past??

My therapist commends my motivation to heal, but she also tells me to take it easy because my body is a wreck. I wake up and almost throw up everyday, I feel like I am being beaten up every night. My nervous system hates me so much these last few months, I swear....